When Joseph died (almost two years ago) I took two weeks off from work. It was mostly for financial reasons but I also didn't understand what it was that I would go through. I had a really hard time at first. It was awkward walking into work and feeling that everyone was uncomfortable. They did not know what to say or how to act and I didn't either so it was uncomfortable for me as well. Along with that I got the call that Joseph died while I was delivering mail and I was dreading driving past the place that I had to pull over and sit. For a while I cried when I got close to it, I would listen to music to not try to think about it, or I would purposely not look that way as I was driving by. What I didn't understand was that going back meant getting back into life and that meant putting on a brave face and focus on other things. Looking back I can see that I did not give myself enough time or I didn't use my two weeks for grieving. I felt numb most of the time because it became too exhausting to feel. After a short time I felt like it was too much to fit therapy into my schedule so I stopped going. I was hard on myself and got very frustrated that I wasn't moving along in the grief process. My doctor confirmed what I was feeling about a month ago when she said it seems like I am grieving the loss of both Joseph and Nicholas now.
Today, after two months, was my first day back at work. Paul suggested that I stop in about a week before so I could see everyone then go home and deal with my feelings before having to go through that and stay the whole day. I am very grateful for that advice because it helped a lot. I did get emotional seeing everyone as they were to see me.
To say I was apprehensive today would be a grand understatement. I was scared to death! The anxiety that comes along with the trauma from a suicide makes doing anything very scary. But, as I have learned to do, I pushed myself and went in. Things were way different this time. I said hello and hugged everyone but there were no tears, no awkwardness. The funny thing about loss is that you learn a true appreciation for the people in your life. It felt really good to see them, to listen to their stories about their lives and laugh with them, just to be a normal person again.
I knew better what to do this time and I gave myself more time to do it. I knew I would struggle financially a little but i knew it would be worth it. I went to therapy several times a week at first and I allowed myself time to really let my feelings out. Therapy, support groups, journaling, yoga.... I listened to my mind and body and gave myself what I needed. I was ready today. I was ready to see my friends, feel productive, and be active.
I didn't even realize when I passed the place where I got the call about Joseph because I was thinking about what I would write today and when I would fit therapy in (which I will continue this time).
I suppose there is no right answer of when to go back to work because it depends on how you spend the time off that you have. I would recommend as long as you possibly can and to use that time to really explore all of your feelings and be very gentle with yourself.
Don't get me wrong while I was working I wished I was at home taking a nap but I think I am ready this time.
❤️❤️
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