Not All Days Are Good

For the past two weeks or so I have been upbeat, motivated, and full of energy. Today is not one of those days. As soon as I opened my eyes I knew it, I'm very familiar with it and I don't like it. It's when I'm most susceptible to negative thinking. I wish I had nothing to do but I had an appointment with my therapist. I threw clothes on, put my hair in a bun, and sans shower I left the house. We spoke about this blog and my Face book page. I told her I didn't know what to say today because I wasn't feeling positive and she reminded me that suicide and grief isn't positive and it wouldn't be real if I always portrayed myself in a positive way. She's right and I love her.
These days are real and they come out of nowhere. There were no triggers, nothing bad happened I just miss my sons and I'm sad. I want to hug then and talk to them. I don't want to be a bereaved parent, I want to be a parent. I cried earlier and I will cry again. This is normal and I know how to fix it. It was going to be my topic for today (saved for tomorrow now), it's self-love.

I have other things to do but today I am going to put myself first.  I'm going to rest and feel what my body needs. I will take a bath and put my hoodie footie sleep shirt on (Thanks Paul!)

 (Then the hard part but still self-love)...I'm going to let my feelings come out. Sadness, anger, or guilt whatever they may be today, I will acknowledge it, let myself feel it then let it go.
I have come to learn that all of these feelings are normal but it's how you treat them that's important. I used to try to ignore the anger it's just not who I am, and the thing about suicide is who is the anger directed at? If someone is murdered then you have the accused to be angry with. If someone dies from an undiagnosed illness or what is seen as not proper hospital care then the anger goes to a doctor or medical staff. When someone takes their own life it creates a strong conflict. I don't want to be angry with my sons, I love them and miss them but I'm mad which causes me to feel guilty for being angry with them.

I have come to understand to let myself feel the anger but try to act it out in a healthy way. Holding it in is self-destructive and directing it toward anyone just creates another conflict because in the end it is no ones fault. There is no one to blame. I find writing in my journal effective for this. At first I didn't think it would help but when I'm angry I just start writing. No thinking ,no corrections just writing. Sometimes it's pages long and most of the time I don't even read it but, as I'm writing my anger almost always shows it's true face, sadness so I let myself feel sad. I think of them and say to myself how much I love them. Sometimes I look at pictures, sometimes I can't.
That pretty much exhausts me emotionally and I take a nap but I take a moment to be proud of myself for not pushing my feelings back or holding them in. Each time we go through this it's a small step but over time it happens less and less and after a while the hurt isn't so overpowering.

When you are having a bad day please take the time to listen to your body, quiet your mind and let yourself feel. Take care of yourself as you would a best friend and you will get through it.

There are so many different ways to show yourself love, I can't wait to share some of my favorite ones tomorrow!

Much love