A Disclaimer

It has been about a week now and writing these posts has really helped me. I am doing this with hopes that someday someone who needs this will find it and learn from it or even reach out to me. I try hard everyday to do the best I can. I struggle most of the time and live with deep pain. At one point it was easy for me to say, "I have to be strong, I have to go on to be there for Nicholas" and that was enough to keep me going. I don't have that anymore. Now I try to be strong for myself, for my family, and for the feeling that I can't shake that I have something to share, something people can learn from. I'm not really sure what that is yet but I just know deep down that it will manifest into something. There has to be hope in these terrible events in my life, there just has to be.

I have been very sensitive for as long as I can remember. I cannot tell you how many times I've heard "You are too soft-hearted" or "You are way too sensitive" but for some reason I never stopped being that way. I never wanted to be someone with a wall up, I chose to stay vulnerable and it surprises me that I am openly sharing as much as I am. This has become my journal and the way I write to myself is the way I write these posts. It is raw, open, and honest. I am not a writer, nor am I trying to be. I do no editing so there will be spelling and grammatical errors. This is just the only way I know how that I could maybe, just maybe, help someone who needs it.

On content: As open as I have been, there are a few things I am afraid to talk about in fear of being judged or ridiculed. The biggest one is suicide prevention. I could talk a lot about signs to look for and what someone who is suicidal may be feeling but, a part of me says "who are you to tell that to anyone". I read all about it after Joseph's death. I learned what to do and what to look for. I put it all into  practice with Nicholas because I was scared every single day since Joseph died that Nicholas would do the same. I knew, statistically speaking, that he ,and everyone in our family, was a higher risk. I can't imagine how hard it was for that 14 year old boy to process the loss of his hero. I was so proud of him for being able to share his feelings with me. I made sure that he felt that he had a support system around him to turn to if he needed, and I let him freely express himself to me but somehow, someway it happened again. So yes, I can talk about what to look out for, but I am not brave enough just yet.

Religion and spiritual beliefs is another. That is just territory I try to stay away from with people. I was raised Catholic. My whole family was, everyone I knew was, so being young, I just assumed everyone was. It did not resonate with me but I never judged it. I tend to shy away from topics that involve spiritual beliefs because, again, I don't want to be judged and I don't want anyone to feel excluded. Some people tell me that they pray for me every night. I think it's beautiful and I don't think about who they are praying to or what they are saying, I think how loved it makes me feel that they think of me every night. Again, someday I will have have to include some of my beliefs to stay true to what I am writing for and I hope I get the strength to do that.

The last topic that I am scared of is things that I try to help with grieving. Anyone who knows me very well knows that I am a very open-minded person. I know that I will live with this loss for the rest of my life. This broken heart isn't going to go away so I know that I have to do what feels right for me and the only way I will know what is right for me is to try things, lots and lots of things.
I was talking to my mom one day and I mentioned something I did (I'll save the details for later) but you would have thought I said "I wake up and smoke crack each morning to dull the pain" based on her reaction. It was something like *gasp* "Oh, April!". She was just trying to protect me from a similar situation that was hurtful for me but, the point is that not everyone will agree, or accept what I try and I'm OK with that. Again, I just don't want to be hurt or ridiculed for the things I try to bring some understanding to my situation.

My hopes are that my writing style will improve, that I can learn some tech stuff to make this look better, and ,with time, learn to expand my reach. I am also thinking about maybe doing some videos to be more personal (If I ever get brave enough).

Thank you to everyone who reads this and supports me, I love you all.