Therapy Or No?

I have to admit that before Joseph died I did not have much personal experience with therapy. Nicholas had a therapist but I didn't go into the sessions of course. She would spend a little time with me and Paul after the sessions to ask us how things are going and would sometimes give us suggestions to reinforce the general idea she was working on with him that week.

About two days after Joseph died I asked Paul to take me to the emergency room. I felt like I could not take the pain and, having never really had anxiety problems to that extent, I just felt a total loss of control. It was Easter Sunday so scheduling a regular doctor visit was not an option. Paul explained the situation to the emergency room nurse and they brought me right to the back. The doctor explained to me that I was in shock and that I was traumatized. He gave me a prescription for about five mild anti- anxiety pills and told me to schedule an appointment with my doctor and a therapist. I had no clue what shock was, what trauma felt like, or anything that I was feeling. I did not understand why he told me to see a therapist.

I had major misconceptions of what therapy would be like. I was searching for answers; why do I feel like this, what can I do make it better, and trying to find anyone with a similar experience to help me understand what was happening. I did not find any answers but I anticipated the therapy session and I thought for sure she would tell me what to do. I really thought she would say do this, this, and this in this order and you will be fine. When I sat down with her I explained my situation and then asked "What do I do"? She asked what I meant and I told her what I was looking for. She said there were no right answers on what to do, and that there wasn't really anything I do right now. I was not having that. I said surely you have experience dealing with this, what do other people do? She caught on to what I was hoping for and she wrote a couple of things down on a piece of paper. She explained to me that everyone grieves differently (Oh no, not this again) and that I have to go through my own journey. The list was very short. It was numbered and I think it said something like 1) Remember to take deep breaths every once in a while, 2) Get plenty of rest, 3) Drink sips of water frequently. I was partially satisfied with that but I asked again if there was anything I could do to make sure I was doing the right things. I will never forget what she asked me and I still go back to that  moment when I am having a hard time. She said that my has just changed completely, the life I knew was over, and she asked "Do you want to live or do you want to die"? I said I want to live and she said " then you will deal with the feelings as they come and you will find a way to keep living.

I don't remember what was said after that or in the sessions following that because when you are in shock there is not too much that you remember. She retired shortly after and I was a little disappointed because I felt like I put a lot of effort and time into sharing my feelings and giving her the back story of what happened. I did not want to start over again. She assured me that someone would take her place and the new person would have the notes. I wish I could say I met the therapist I have now after that but it was not the case. The new therapist was pregnant and only stayed for a short while. By this time I was feeling like how could anyone get to know me if I keep telling the same story over and over then switching. I was disappointed again and a little frustrated but I was determined not to give up. It took a while but someone new started (my current therapist) but by this time a couple of months had passed and I was getting used to dealing with it on my own (or so I thought). I went for a few sessions and told the whole story again and I liked her but I was tired when I got home from work and for whatever reason I just stopped going.

Sometime last November I felt terrible all of the time. I knew that Joseph's birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas we all approaching and I just felt a heavy weight all of the time. My life consisted of working, sleeping, repeat. I really did not want it to be grief or depression so I saw my doctor and told her I was tired all of the time. I wanted my hormone levels to be off or have an adrenal gland problem so she did some blood work and mentioned the therapist to me. When I got the call that my bloodwork was fine, I resigned to the fact that I needed external help.

I approached it differently this time. I was open and really looking for help, not answers on what to do. I opened up more and could remember better what she said. I did all of the work that she gave me to do and I showed up every week, I was seeing progress!

I am so grateful I went back when I did because Nicholas died two months later. One of the first things I did was send a message to her business email (it was before office hours) saying that I needed to get in touch with her as soon as possible. She called me shortly after and made time for me that day. I saw her 2-3 times a week for a while. Again, I do not remember most of the first sessions but I do remember the first day crying, using her desk to lean on while I sat, and telling her I couldn't breathe and I felt like I was going to die. She told me to sit back and take deep breaths and I didn't die. I see her once a week now and I really appreciate what our sessions have evolved into. She knows me pretty well now and knows the way I think so she can sometimes preface in a way I can relate to before she suggests something I would usually resist. She also knows me well enough that we can laugh together at some of the things I think or say. Therapy helps me so much but not in the ways I thought.

There is no quick fix or definitive answers but it is a way to get feelings out. Some of the feelings of grief are very confusing so asking why after I state something is a good way to make me think and dig deeper into myself. It is a safe place to share whatever you are feeling even if you have to tell the same story over and over. I am learning to acknowledge what I am feeling and let myself feel it. I have also learned that while grieving it is important to not be hard on yourself. That was a big change for me because I kind of felt the opposite, that I had to be very diligent so I wouldn't fall into harming habits or behaviors.

Whether therapy is a good choice for everyone I have no idea but it has helped me immensely. Like most things, it is the individual that has to put the work in to get results but they are excellent guides.