After suffering the loss of a child, especially in cases of suicide, this is a question that often comes up. It becomes rather clinical with different symptoms being treated differently and it also depends on the individual. Whether or not it is right for someone is not for me to decide but I can share my own experience times two.
When Joseph died and I visited the emergency room I was given the five or so mild pills for anxiety. It was just used to help me calm down, get through the funeral, and give me time to see my regular doctor. I told her that it helped a little and I was given the option to continue the small dose for a short amount of time and to begin antidepressant medication.
I read a lot about it and talked to a few people prior to the visit so I was somewhat prepared for the question. The answers were all over the board as always. I was told it would be damaging and prolong the grieving process because it would numb my feelings. I was told by a mother who lost her son to suicide that it saved her, and I read about pretty much everything in between. I opted to try the medication.
Suicide is complicated as are the feelings that come with it. It is sudden, and terribly traumatizing. When it is a child there is even more involved. Anxiety medication worked for me and it's very effective but there is a downside. Doctors do not like to prescribe it and when they do it is meant for a short period of time. The reason for this is because it is habit forming and because most people develop a tolerance for it. I am speaking of Benzodiazepines such as Xanax, Klonopin, and Valium. So typically speaking, you start at the smallest dose and soon that won't be enough. The dose needs to continually be raised to keep the original effectiveness, and it can get to a point where you can physically withdraw from it if the dose gets high enough. I was aware of this and used it sparingly when I had trouble sleeping. Xanax is good for that because it's fast acting but wears off a little more quickly. I frequently had nightmares and woke up with horrible anxiety. I would also wake up and replay certain things over and over in my mind until I worked myself into a frenzy. My doctor eventually presciped the lowest dose of Klonopin but I also had a treatment plan, combined it with therapy to learn coping mechanisms, and I tried other other medications that are proven to help with sleep but are prescribed prmarly for other conditions namely, a prescribed dose of antihistamine and later a specific drug prescribed for low blood pressure but was shown to help with nightmares associated with post traumatic stress disorder. I also started a low dose of anti-depressant which can be a lot of trial and error to find the right one. They take a little while to begin relieving symptoms of depression and are meant for longer term usage.
With the right medications in place, I gave myself one year, so at nine months I would begin lowering the dosage slowly as to reduce the side effects. (This is very important with anti-depressants because of the chemical changes in the brain). I found the medication to be very helpful and I did not feel at all like I was numb. I was able to feel but the extreme highs and lows were tempered. In therapy I learned about breathing exercises to slow the heart rate and I started a meditation practice. In all honesty when the time came I was ready to stop taking everything and I did so before the one year mark. Just like therapy, it takes a lot of work. It really is a lot of experimenting and a doctor doesn't just give you a years supply. I had to see mine every month to gauge my symptoms.
I did fine without them. I took Melatonin at night, drank herbal tea, practiced meditation, and tried a few herbal supplements. Nothing really made all of the feelings go away and nothing really exasperated them either. I continued this until last December when I was depressed and made the decision to try medication again.
When Nicholas died in January the medication was already in my system but, just like the time before, it did not stop the feelings or the pain. I was already opening up in therapy and the whole experience just felt different. I did (and still do) feel the swing of emotions that grief brings in the beginning. I told the Psychatrist "The medication isn't working!" He and my therapist assured me that it was so nothing was changed. Again, I find myself just past the trial and error point but I have not been so hard on myself with setting a specific date. I'm not as worried this time because I know how they affect me and I'm trying to be gentle with myself. I was extremely worried about the anxiety medication and what could possibly happen the first time taking them that I gave myself anxiety about that! I was very afraid of getting addicted to it. This time I know that, taken as prescribed, it can be used as a tool and not a crutch. I'm now aware that I will know when it's time to stop and I know I will be able to. I also have a lot more knowledge and experience with death, grieving, and the feelings that go along with it.
As everything, it comes down to personal choice. It does take work and maintenance but, when used in conjunction with therapy, can really help to process the intense feelings that need to be dealt with. I still use breathing techniques and herbal tea at night to help calm myself before bed. I continue my journey of looking for things that help. I gain more confidence and strength when I praise myself when I take a step forward and I am more open to just accepting things as they come and not unnecessarily pushing myself.
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