A big portion of my life is spent dealing with death, loss, suicide, and grief. I sleep for eight hours, work for eight hours, and do regular life things (grocery shop, cleaning, etc..). I also fit in therapy once a week and research various topics of healing for several hours. Along with that I do grief work which would be writing in my journal, art therapy, work on anything that comes up in therapy that week, and I also attend a support group for survivors of suicide. That's a lot of heavy stuff and very little time for doing anything else.
One thing I have come to understand is that it is necessary to step out of it once in a while. Notice I said necessary, not nice or if you have the time. I need to feel normal and not the person whose two sons died. I need to talk to people who have no idea what is going on in my life. I need time to distract my mind and take a break from the darkness that can envelop someone while grieving.
What I am learning is that who we are and what we are doing at the time can begin to create more of the same. Let's say i'm immersed in all of these things about death and suicide. It is all I do, all I think about. After a while that dark heavy feeling stays with me, it gets ingrained in me and becomes depressing. All of my thoughts are teaching me that this is all I am and this is all I will ever be.
Why am I researching healing for grief for if all I do is stay stuck in terrible feelings of grief? I get stuck in that and begins a cycle that ends with "Oh well, this is the hand I have been dealt and the rest of my life will be this way". I revert back yet again to show another way I have grown since Joseph died. I did accept that my life is forever changed, and the grief will never go away. My take on this, my perception, was I was happy before but now that he has died, that part of me is gone and for the rest of my life I will be a grieving mother who can never go back to being the person I was.
Now part of this is true, but the way I acted it out was wrong for me. Life as I knew it is over, but who says that has to be horrible? I will grieve forever. I can deal with that but it does not have to be my whole existence. So, what if we changed our perception a little.
When Nicholas died, I bottomed out. I went to zero, nothing left in me, no place for hope. If I decided I was going to live, I would need to find out how to live with this, how to use it to my advantage and not against myself. I devote eight hours to work, I try my best to care for those around me, yet there was no taking care of myself. You need to treat yourself as you would your closest loved ones so I did what I would recommend someone to do if they asked me.
The pain is real, the grief is real, I accept that. Now, I thought, what have I learned from this? Life is short, your whole life can completely change in a second, the people in your life are not promised to you for any amount of time so enjoy them and enjoy life! I promise you the grief doesn't go anywhere, you won't forget about your child, but maybe you can carry it in a different way, a way that does not constantly feel so heavy. Something that I am coming to understand for myself is that when you spend time with the feeling of grief and really let yourself feel it, all of the feelings are just really love. Love for your child. Angry that they aren't there? It's because you love them and miss them. Sad? You think about them and not having them in your life. Trying to get answers? It's your mothering instinct to make them OK so that you can love them.
A bit off topic but just a little paragraph about spiritual beliefs. I went on a retreat focused on dealing with grief. I spent five days in intensive therapy with this wonderful psychologist and the topic of religion came up. I said I don't really have one, I don't have anyone to pray to that will make my pain go away. She said that was OK because it did not matter. No one positively knows what happens after we die, so you can believe whatever helps you. If you want to think that Joseph is with you, then think that, who are you hurting? I didn't really understand that until recently, and that is why I do not like to talk about religion. I borrow things from so many different places that I am almost every religion. If you want to believe the penny you see on the floor is a sign from your child, wonderful! That is going to make you feel good. If you believe that you can talk in your head to your child and they can hear you then you feel something, fabulous! If it makes you feel better to know that one day you will be with your child again in heaven, I think that would be very comforting. If you say that you give it to god and that brings you peace, who are you hurting? Find what you feel comfortable with. There are almost as many believe systems as there are people, try some out. Find out what feels good to you and use it. I choose to treat my grief as my companion to go on this journey with me and I like to feel like my children are with me, watching me, and guiding me. The grief is all love that you can not express to a physical body. I will take that. I will love them forever and I am OK with that.
Back to the topic! I devote eight hours a day to work so I will devote a little of time for me. I do whatever thing I am reading about at the moment which usually has something to do with meditating. I have this beautiful space that I can really quiet my mind in and I go to a place of "what do I want for myself?". I also meditate to relieve anxiety. Restorative yoga is just amazing, I love it. I put my mind and body in that space and I don't think about anything else. I burn some incense or a candle and pay complete attention to my body, what it needs and what I am feeling. It's all about slow movement, opening up your body, breathing through your whole body. It can really be refreshing and invigorating. You don't have to attend an expensive class (unless you want to). If you like the idea but are afraid of trying it just grab a towel and look on youtube for a video.
A little off topic again but these thoughts keep coming up. Give this a little bit of thought if it interests you. On an emotional spectrum, you can only feel something the opposite you've felt another. Let's see... You date someone and it's OK, nothing spectacular, you feel alright when you are with them and alright when you aren't. the scale doesn't move much in either direction. You meet the next person and it's omg mind blowing! You are so attracted and feel so happy, emotions for days. When you lose this person you will feel a greater sadness because you felt a great happiness. On our topic; You lost your child. Your world is shattered, you are in a million pieces, your heart is broken, and you feel like you can't go on. You don't understand how you could have just talked to them and now they are gone. This is the sadness extreme so using the other example, you may want to start viewing your life in the opposite way. You show more love to everyone because you never know.. You appreciate things like a sunrise, or a beautiful garden. You have felt the worst you can ever feel in life, so wouldn't it then be capable of feeling the best? This is a lot of what I am personally exploring right now. Exploring this is what lead me to writing this blog. Something in you begins to feel things differently. More love, more of a desire to help people, more appreciation for the things and people around you. That shifts the cycle of feeling bad all of the time to feeling good all of the time. You have a purpose, you have a life, you can live that life.
That kind of leads back to taking a step back. First set your intention. Let's say mine is to get away from being a bereaved parent for just a tiny drop in time and appreciate being out of my surroundings which makes that difficult. I will stay in a hotel and get a spa treatment or whatever and let myself be in that moment. Recharge, see that there is more than crying in your pillow everyday and watching sad movies (yes, I do that too). I will no longer feel guilty for that! It gives me the energy to do the tough grief work. Do what works for you, whatever makes you feel good...see a movie, go to dinner, play in your garden that you haven't tended to in a while anything that brings you back to YOU and allows you to see that you can still have an appreciation for life.
Notice I said set your intention. That means make sure it is positive for you and it will benefit you. If you say I need to escape this grief for a little while so I am going to go to a bar with some friends and get drunk, that's fine but notice that your intention is to hide your pain. You will have a hangover the next day and you will feel worse.
Do something loving for yourself. Think to yourself that your grief is just love that you cannot express and hold that in your heart, right where love should be. It is still right there so you are not forgetting about or pushing it away, you are holding it to make time for you. You have been through so much, you deserve some rest to refuel. You will thank yourself for it and so will the people around you.
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