I would imagine that anyone who has ever known someone who has died by suicide has blamed themselves in some way. "What if i would have _____?" "Why didn't I____?" The list could go on forever. I must admit I am guilty of doing this. I did it when Joseph died and even more when Nicholas did. After Joseph's death I did so much research on suicide and grieving. My research extended to how to help siblings understand and cope. Nicholas and I talked about Joseph's death, the things he may feel, what is normal and when to tell someone. I made sure he understood that nothing was off-limits when it came to us communicating about his feelings. One day in the car he said he was worried about me. I asked why and he told me I was just a little more quiet than usual and I seemed sad. I explained that I was sad, that I have good days and bad days and that is totally normal. He still looked worried and I knew the conversation wasn't finished. I told him I would be fine. He said he didn't want me to do what Joseph did. That just broke my heart, but as a survivor of suicide myself I thought the same exact thing about him. To make us both feel better I said "Let's make a pact: Let's promise each other that we will never ever kill ourselves, that we will tell the other person if we are feeling that way and we will help each other." He said OK and smiled then went on to talk about his usual topics. After he died I felt like a complete failure! How is it possible that I could have read and learned so much about suicide and it signs and not see this? I must have missed the signs, I must have done something wrong, I must have messed up DNA, etc..
I find myself in this strange position because I was already in therapy and already grieving the loss of Joseph when Nicholas died and my logical mind has learned blaming myself and asking why will not help. There will be no answer to my questions so it is futile to dwell on it but I found myself right back there again.
It wasn't until about two weeks ago one of Nick's friends messaged me to see how I was doing and I asked her the same. She told me she was very depressed and she felt like it was her fault that Nicholas died. My maternal instinct kicked in and I said "Why in the world would you think that!?!?" It upset me so much, I just wanted to hug her. She told me that they had an argument a week before and if she would have reached out to him this would not have happened. I talked to her for while explaining that it was not her fault and reminding her of all the joy she brought to Nicholas. We said good-night and I laid in bed and thought about it, feeling so bad for her. Then it hit me; Me blaming myself, is like her blaming herself and since that night the self blame has stopped.
Self blame and all of the whys halts healing. It is fine to ask yourself all of these questions and after a while you will see that there is no answer. Even if you had an answer would it make the pain less? Letting go of blaming of yourself will free you to move to another step. It is hard for us as humans to accept the tiny amount of control we have. We are comfortable feeling like we have control, it makes us feel safe. A suicide makes us realize we do not have as much control as we thought and that is scary. A better question I started to ask myself is "What can I do to help myself heal?"
Much Love
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