We Are Strong

In a telephone conversation with my beautiful mother last night the subject of my blog came up. She said that she was proud of me and she said that I was strong. When people say this to me I usually say thank you, and leave it at that. While anyone is saying this I think to myself " I'm really not".  I thought about this a lot today.

When we are faced with a tragedy, what other choices are there? Why is it that people think I am strong? For me, the aftermath of loss and suicide leaves a lot of anxiety. Anxiety is fear; fear of what might happen in the future. It is disempowering to constantly worry about what may happen. This is part of what I am currently working on for myself.

Mindfulness and living for each moment negates those feelings because we can learn to say "Right now I am OK" and not worry about what will happen next year, next month, next week, tomorrow, or even a few hours from now. It is surrendering to the fact that we cannot control anything except how we react or respond to a situation. This is tough! I am unsuccessful at it more than not, it's just how my brain is trained to think. We tend to have a million things running through our minds at once, from the most insignificant things (Did I pay the water bill? Did I turn the flat iron off?) to my biggest fears having to do with loss or death, that I really do not have any control over. I try to notice and stop it when it happens and with time, hopefully, I will be able to totally be in "right now". So, as far as being strong goes, anxiety  makes me feel weak and powerless.

To me, I just see it as dealing with my situation as it is. I watched a television program about Jaycee Dugard, the woman who was kidnapped and held captive for almost 20 years, she told her story and had a positive outlook and now appreciates every day that she has. I thought "wow, she is strong!".  Single parents are strong, children who were kidnapped for sex trafficking and spread awareness are strong, as are people who grow up being abused and spread awareness about it. It is all surviving horrible events but not letting those things break you. In that case, yes, I suppose I am strong but I am only doing what I feel will be creating a life worth living.

As far as this blog goes, I am just just as surprised as anyone else, to be honest. I have yet to write anything that didn't just flow through me. There is a powerful need in me to do something that may, one day, reach someone who needs this information. Maybe not even needs this exact information but finds this and contacts me to help them with what they do need.

I am going to do a whole post on what I am about to say, falling under the category of my experience with different things I have tried to help with dealing the pain of suicide, but I will share a small piece of it now.

A dear friend of mine sent a text message to me saying that she added me to a Facebook group. She said it contained psychics and mediums that do short readings live for free. I thanked her but didn't give much thought to it. I never considered talking to a medium but I've always found it interesting. One day while looking through my page I noticed someone was streaming a video so I clicked on it to see what she was saying. People were asking for a reading and she was going through the list in order. She would make some observations about their life and they all seemed pleased and agreeable with what she was saying.

I thought why not? I'll give it a shot. I posted a simple question "May I have a reading?" and waited for my turn, which never came. I got tired of waiting and moved along. As I was scrolling down I realized that it was not live, it was just recorded from when it was. Let me mention that I am, in no way, good at Facebook. I never post anything on my page and I maybe have ten friends.
A bit later as I was doing something else and had already forgotten about my flub, I received a message from the medium saying she saw my comment and told me about the services she offers. I embarrassingly apologized and told her that I was not working at the moment and I couldn't afford it but I would check into it when I was able. She told me that she was drawn to me and said there was a young man with her who said he had to tell me some things that I needed to hear, and offered her services at no charge if I was willing to wait for her work day to end because she felt compelled.
Now! I was skeptical to say the least but I thought it was kind of her and my interest was piqued, so I graciously accepted. One more message came from her that asked me to be open to it. I said I would be and I waited.
This has a point, I promise. The time came and she contacted me. I was really afraid of what she may say to me because I was in such a fragile state. I'm going to save most of it for a different post but she said "They need you to tell your story to help other moms, I'm not sure what they mean do you?" I said yes.  I started this blog shortly after that.

Before Nicholas died, my therapist told me I should look into being a speaker and spreading the word about surviving and child loss but I kind of dismissed it. Right after Joseph died I bought a domain name and started a blog but didn't write one post. I just didn't know what to write and I was scared of sharing such personal things in my life. Now I feel pushed to, I feel a passion about it. I want to share, provide information, and just let everyone who is faced with child loss and suicide know that they are not alone. I never feel like I have to be perfect, only that I have to be real.

Call it strength, call it a newfound compassion for other people, or call it my children guiding me. I don't know what is, but I have no intention of stopping.

I am strong. We are strong.

Sitting With Your Feelings

Yesterday's post was about taking a break from grief and how it brings  some relief. Today I would like to talk about sitting with your feelings. This is part of what I am talking about when I say grief work. It can be incredibly hard and scary sometimes because you never know what will come up but on the flip side it helps in so many ways.

Allowing your feelings to come to the surface allows you feel them and identify them which will lead  to processing them and eventually coming to terms with them. This could be part of a daily practice (which I will discuss at a later time) or in the early stages of grieving, just when you feel the strength to do it.

It shouldn't be done for long periods and it is not meant to be intense or heartbreaking rather, a form of self love. I will use what I did today as an example.

I sat in a space that was quiet with low lights and candles. I know that it is not easy to always find a quiet space, but even putting in earbuds with the sounds of  nature, or anything else that is soothing but not distracting would be just fine.
Take a few deep breaths, inhale through your nose and exhale from your mouth. A million thoughts will be flying around but don't worry about it. Just keep breathing and relax. When you are calm and settled, think about what you are feeling. Now, create an inner dialogue. What are you feeling? I feel a heaviness in my heart and I feel like I am going to cry, I am sad. (Cry if it comes up and allow yourself to feel sad) Why do you feel sad? I miss Joseph and Nicholas so much that it hurts. Why do you miss them? Because I want to talk to them, hug them, and ask them how their day was, but I can't.  What do you think is making you feel this way? Because I love them so much. Then love them. (Feel the love you have for them).

Typically then, I can feel love and not sadness. Sadness is an easier one to tackle. There can also be guilt, anger, regret, the very powerful "whys" or any other thing that you may be feeling. Anger and guilt can take a little longer but for me it always comes back to love.

This is by no means a magic cure but it helps to understand your feelings so that when you are feeling them strongly or feeling many at once, you have a little bit of grounding. You can acknowledge the feelings instead of suppressing them which is harmful and doesn't work anyway (yes, I have tried). Suppressed feelings will eventually come back up but will harder to deal with and feels like a big mess of confusion.

After I do this I just sit and breathe deeply again for a minute then feel proud of myself for facing scary feelings. Grieving is hard and it is exhausting but finding things that work for you can oftentimes make it a little less heavy.
When you feel like you can't handle the pain, think of the times that you sat with it and handled it. Empower yourself.

Take A Step Back From Grieving

A big portion of my life is spent dealing with death, loss, suicide, and grief. I sleep for eight hours, work for eight hours, and do regular life things (grocery shop, cleaning, etc..). I also fit in therapy once a week and research various topics of healing for several hours. Along with that I do grief work which would be writing in my journal, art therapy, work on anything that comes up in therapy that week, and I also attend a support group for survivors of suicide.  That's a lot of heavy stuff and very little time for doing anything else.

One thing I have come to understand is that it is necessary to step out of it once in a while. Notice I said necessary, not nice or if you have the time. I need to feel normal and not the person whose two sons died. I need to talk to people who have no idea what is going on in my life. I need time to distract my mind and take a break from the darkness that can envelop  someone while grieving.

What I am learning is that who we are and what we are doing at the time can begin to create more of the same. Let's say i'm immersed in all of these things about death and suicide. It is all I do, all I think about. After a while that dark heavy feeling stays with me, it gets ingrained in me and becomes depressing. All of my thoughts are teaching me that this is all I am and this is all I will ever be.

Why am I researching healing for grief for if all I do is stay stuck in terrible feelings of grief? I get stuck in that and begins a cycle that ends with "Oh well, this is the hand I have been dealt and the rest of my life will be this way". I revert back yet again to show another way I have grown since Joseph died. I did accept that my life is forever changed, and the grief will never go away. My take on this, my perception, was I was happy before but now that he has died, that part of me is gone and for the rest of my life I will be a grieving mother who can never go back to being the person I was.

Now part of this is true, but the way I acted it out was wrong for me. Life as I knew it is over, but who says that has to be horrible? I will grieve forever. I can deal with that but it does not have to be my whole existence. So, what if we changed our perception a little.

When Nicholas died, I bottomed out. I went to zero, nothing left in me, no place for hope. If I decided I was going to live, I would need to find out how to live with this, how to use it to my advantage and not against myself. I devote eight hours to work, I try my best to care for those around me, yet there was no taking care of myself. You need to treat yourself as you would your closest loved ones so I did what I would recommend someone to do if they asked me.

The pain is real, the grief is real, I accept that. Now, I thought, what have I learned from this? Life is short, your whole life can completely change in a second, the people in your life are not promised to you for any amount of time so enjoy them and enjoy life! I promise you the grief doesn't go anywhere, you won't forget about your child, but maybe you can carry it in a different way, a way that does not constantly feel so heavy. Something that I am coming to understand for myself is that when you spend time with the feeling of grief and really let yourself feel it, all of the feelings are just really love. Love for your child. Angry that they aren't there? It's because you love them and miss them. Sad? You think about them and not having them in your life. Trying to get answers? It's your mothering instinct to make them OK so that you can love them.

A bit off topic but just a little paragraph about spiritual beliefs. I went on a retreat focused on dealing with grief. I spent five days in intensive therapy with this wonderful psychologist and the topic of religion came up. I said I don't really have one, I don't have anyone to pray to that will make my pain go away. She said that was OK because it did not matter. No one positively knows what happens after we die, so you can believe whatever helps you. If you want to think that Joseph is with you, then think that, who are you hurting? I didn't really understand that until recently, and that is why I do not like to talk about religion. I borrow things from so many different places that I am almost every religion. If you want to believe the penny you see on the floor is a sign from your child, wonderful! That is going to make you feel good. If you believe that you can talk in your head to your child and they can hear you then you feel something, fabulous! If it makes you feel better to know that one day you will be with your child again in heaven, I think that would be very comforting. If you say that you give it to god and that brings you peace, who are you hurting? Find what you feel comfortable with. There are almost as many believe systems as there are people, try some out. Find out what feels good to you and use it. I choose to treat my grief as my companion to go on this journey with me and I like to feel like my children are with me, watching me, and guiding me. The grief is all love that you can not express to a physical body. I will take that. I will love them forever and I am OK with that.

Back to the topic! I devote eight hours a day to work so I will devote a little of time for me. I do whatever thing I am reading about at the moment which usually has something to do with meditating. I have this beautiful space that I can really quiet my mind in and I go to a place of "what do I want for myself?". I also meditate to relieve anxiety. Restorative yoga is just amazing, I love it. I put my mind and body in that space and I don't think about anything else. I burn some incense or a candle and pay complete attention to my body, what it needs and what I am feeling. It's all about slow movement, opening up your body, breathing through your whole body. It can really be refreshing and invigorating. You don't have to attend an expensive class (unless you want to). If you like the idea but are afraid of trying it just grab a towel and look on  youtube for a video.

A little off topic again but these thoughts keep coming up. Give this a little bit of thought if it interests you. On an emotional spectrum, you can only feel something the opposite you've felt another. Let's see... You date someone and it's OK, nothing spectacular, you feel alright when you are with them and alright when you aren't. the scale doesn't move much in either direction. You meet the next person and it's omg mind blowing! You are so attracted and feel so happy, emotions for days. When you lose this person you will feel a greater sadness because you felt a great happiness. On our topic; You lost your child. Your world is shattered, you are in a million pieces, your heart is broken, and you feel like you can't go on. You don't understand how you could have just talked to them and now they are gone. This is the sadness extreme so using the other example, you may want to start viewing your life in the opposite way. You show more love to everyone because you never know.. You appreciate things like a sunrise, or a beautiful garden. You have felt the worst you can ever feel in life, so wouldn't it then be capable of feeling the best? This is a lot of what I am personally exploring right now. Exploring this is what lead me to writing this blog. Something in you begins to feel things differently. More love, more of a desire to help people, more appreciation for the things and people around you. That shifts the cycle of feeling bad all of the time to feeling good all of the time. You have a purpose, you have a life, you can live that life.

That kind of leads back to taking a step back. First set your intention. Let's say mine is to get away from being a bereaved parent for just a tiny drop in time and appreciate being out of my surroundings which makes that difficult. I will stay in a hotel and get a spa treatment or whatever and let myself be in that moment. Recharge, see that there is more than crying in your pillow everyday and watching sad movies (yes, I do that too). I will no longer feel guilty for that! It gives me the energy to do the tough grief work. Do what works for you, whatever makes you feel good...see a movie, go to dinner, play in your garden that you haven't tended to in a while anything that brings you back to YOU and allows you to see that you can still have an appreciation for life.
Notice I said set your intention. That means make sure it is positive for you and it will benefit you. If you say I need to escape this grief for a little while so I am going to go to a bar with some friends and get drunk, that's fine but notice that your intention is to hide your pain. You will have a hangover the next day and you will feel worse.

Do something loving for yourself. Think to yourself that your grief is just love that you cannot express and hold that in your heart, right where love should be. It is still right there so you are not forgetting about or pushing it away, you are holding it to make time for you. You have been through so much, you deserve some rest to refuel. You will thank yourself for it and so will the people around you.

Should You Take Medication?

After suffering the loss of a child, especially in cases of suicide, this is a question that often comes up. It becomes rather clinical with different symptoms being treated differently and it also depends on the individual. Whether or not it is right for someone is not for me to decide but I can share my own experience times two.

When Joseph died and I visited the emergency room I was given the five or so mild pills for anxiety. It was just used to help me calm down, get through the funeral, and give me time to see my regular doctor. I told her that it helped a little and I was given the option to continue the small dose for a short amount of time and to begin antidepressant medication.

I read a lot about it and talked to a few people prior to the visit so I was somewhat prepared for the question. The answers were all over the board as always. I was told it would be damaging and prolong the grieving process because it would numb my feelings. I was told by a mother who lost her son to suicide that it saved her, and I read about pretty much everything in between. I opted to try the medication.

Suicide is complicated as are the feelings that come with it. It is sudden, and terribly traumatizing. When it is a child there is even more involved. Anxiety medication worked for me and it's very effective but there is a downside. Doctors do not like to prescribe it and when they do it is meant for a short period of time. The reason for this is because it is habit forming and because most people develop a tolerance for it. I am speaking of Benzodiazepines such as Xanax,  Klonopin, and Valium. So typically speaking, you start at the smallest dose and soon that won't be enough. The dose needs to continually be raised to keep the original effectiveness, and it can get to a point where you can physically withdraw from it if the dose gets high enough. I was aware of this and used it sparingly when I had trouble sleeping. Xanax is good for that because it's fast acting but wears off a little more quickly. I frequently had nightmares and woke up with horrible anxiety.  I would also wake up and replay certain things over and over in my mind until I worked myself into a frenzy. My doctor eventually presciped the lowest dose of Klonopin but I also had a treatment plan, combined it with therapy to learn coping mechanisms, and I tried other other medications that are proven to help with sleep but are prescribed prmarly for other conditions namely, a prescribed dose of antihistamine and later a specific drug prescribed for low blood pressure but was shown to help with nightmares associated with post traumatic stress disorder. I also started a low dose of anti-depressant which can be a lot of trial and error to find the right one. They take a little while to begin relieving symptoms of depression and are meant for longer term usage.

With the right medications in place, I gave myself one year, so at nine months I would begin lowering the dosage slowly as to reduce the side effects. (This is very important with anti-depressants because of the chemical changes in the brain).  I found the medication to be very helpful and I did not feel at all like I was numb. I was able to feel but the extreme highs and lows were tempered. In therapy I learned about breathing exercises to slow the heart rate and I started a meditation practice. In all honesty when the time came I was ready to stop taking everything and I did so before the one year mark. Just like therapy, it takes a lot of work. It really is a lot of experimenting and a doctor doesn't just give you a years supply. I had to see mine every month to gauge my symptoms.

I did fine without them. I took Melatonin at night, drank herbal tea, practiced meditation, and tried a few herbal supplements. Nothing really made all of the feelings go away and nothing really exasperated them either.  I continued this until last December when I was depressed and made the decision to try medication again.

When Nicholas died in January the medication was already in my system but, just like the time before, it did not stop the feelings or the pain. I was already opening up in therapy and the whole experience just felt different. I did (and still do) feel the swing of emotions that grief brings in the beginning. I told the Psychatrist "The medication isn't working!" He and my therapist assured me that it was so nothing was changed. Again, I find myself just past the trial and error point but I have not been so  hard on myself with setting a specific date. I'm not as worried this time because I know how they affect me and I'm trying to be gentle with myself. I was extremely worried about the anxiety medication and what could possibly happen the first time taking them that I gave myself anxiety about that! I was very afraid of getting addicted to it. This time I know that, taken as prescribed, it can be used as a tool and not a crutch. I'm now aware that I will know when it's time to stop and I know I will be able to. I also have a lot more knowledge and experience with death, grieving, and the feelings that go along with it.

As everything, it comes down to personal choice. It does take work and maintenance but, when used  in conjunction with therapy, can really help to process the intense feelings that need to be dealt with. I  still use breathing techniques and herbal tea at night to help calm myself before bed. I continue my journey of looking for things that help. I gain more confidence and strength when I praise myself when I take a step forward and I am more open to just accepting things as they come and not unnecessarily pushing myself.

A Disclaimer

It has been about a week now and writing these posts has really helped me. I am doing this with hopes that someday someone who needs this will find it and learn from it or even reach out to me. I try hard everyday to do the best I can. I struggle most of the time and live with deep pain. At one point it was easy for me to say, "I have to be strong, I have to go on to be there for Nicholas" and that was enough to keep me going. I don't have that anymore. Now I try to be strong for myself, for my family, and for the feeling that I can't shake that I have something to share, something people can learn from. I'm not really sure what that is yet but I just know deep down that it will manifest into something. There has to be hope in these terrible events in my life, there just has to be.

I have been very sensitive for as long as I can remember. I cannot tell you how many times I've heard "You are too soft-hearted" or "You are way too sensitive" but for some reason I never stopped being that way. I never wanted to be someone with a wall up, I chose to stay vulnerable and it surprises me that I am openly sharing as much as I am. This has become my journal and the way I write to myself is the way I write these posts. It is raw, open, and honest. I am not a writer, nor am I trying to be. I do no editing so there will be spelling and grammatical errors. This is just the only way I know how that I could maybe, just maybe, help someone who needs it.

On content: As open as I have been, there are a few things I am afraid to talk about in fear of being judged or ridiculed. The biggest one is suicide prevention. I could talk a lot about signs to look for and what someone who is suicidal may be feeling but, a part of me says "who are you to tell that to anyone". I read all about it after Joseph's death. I learned what to do and what to look for. I put it all into  practice with Nicholas because I was scared every single day since Joseph died that Nicholas would do the same. I knew, statistically speaking, that he ,and everyone in our family, was a higher risk. I can't imagine how hard it was for that 14 year old boy to process the loss of his hero. I was so proud of him for being able to share his feelings with me. I made sure that he felt that he had a support system around him to turn to if he needed, and I let him freely express himself to me but somehow, someway it happened again. So yes, I can talk about what to look out for, but I am not brave enough just yet.

Religion and spiritual beliefs is another. That is just territory I try to stay away from with people. I was raised Catholic. My whole family was, everyone I knew was, so being young, I just assumed everyone was. It did not resonate with me but I never judged it. I tend to shy away from topics that involve spiritual beliefs because, again, I don't want to be judged and I don't want anyone to feel excluded. Some people tell me that they pray for me every night. I think it's beautiful and I don't think about who they are praying to or what they are saying, I think how loved it makes me feel that they think of me every night. Again, someday I will have have to include some of my beliefs to stay true to what I am writing for and I hope I get the strength to do that.

The last topic that I am scared of is things that I try to help with grieving. Anyone who knows me very well knows that I am a very open-minded person. I know that I will live with this loss for the rest of my life. This broken heart isn't going to go away so I know that I have to do what feels right for me and the only way I will know what is right for me is to try things, lots and lots of things.
I was talking to my mom one day and I mentioned something I did (I'll save the details for later) but you would have thought I said "I wake up and smoke crack each morning to dull the pain" based on her reaction. It was something like *gasp* "Oh, April!". She was just trying to protect me from a similar situation that was hurtful for me but, the point is that not everyone will agree, or accept what I try and I'm OK with that. Again, I just don't want to be hurt or ridiculed for the things I try to bring some understanding to my situation.

My hopes are that my writing style will improve, that I can learn some tech stuff to make this look better, and ,with time, learn to expand my reach. I am also thinking about maybe doing some videos to be more personal (If I ever get brave enough).

Thank you to everyone who reads this and supports me, I love you all.

Therapy Or No?

I have to admit that before Joseph died I did not have much personal experience with therapy. Nicholas had a therapist but I didn't go into the sessions of course. She would spend a little time with me and Paul after the sessions to ask us how things are going and would sometimes give us suggestions to reinforce the general idea she was working on with him that week.

About two days after Joseph died I asked Paul to take me to the emergency room. I felt like I could not take the pain and, having never really had anxiety problems to that extent, I just felt a total loss of control. It was Easter Sunday so scheduling a regular doctor visit was not an option. Paul explained the situation to the emergency room nurse and they brought me right to the back. The doctor explained to me that I was in shock and that I was traumatized. He gave me a prescription for about five mild anti- anxiety pills and told me to schedule an appointment with my doctor and a therapist. I had no clue what shock was, what trauma felt like, or anything that I was feeling. I did not understand why he told me to see a therapist.

I had major misconceptions of what therapy would be like. I was searching for answers; why do I feel like this, what can I do make it better, and trying to find anyone with a similar experience to help me understand what was happening. I did not find any answers but I anticipated the therapy session and I thought for sure she would tell me what to do. I really thought she would say do this, this, and this in this order and you will be fine. When I sat down with her I explained my situation and then asked "What do I do"? She asked what I meant and I told her what I was looking for. She said there were no right answers on what to do, and that there wasn't really anything I do right now. I was not having that. I said surely you have experience dealing with this, what do other people do? She caught on to what I was hoping for and she wrote a couple of things down on a piece of paper. She explained to me that everyone grieves differently (Oh no, not this again) and that I have to go through my own journey. The list was very short. It was numbered and I think it said something like 1) Remember to take deep breaths every once in a while, 2) Get plenty of rest, 3) Drink sips of water frequently. I was partially satisfied with that but I asked again if there was anything I could do to make sure I was doing the right things. I will never forget what she asked me and I still go back to that  moment when I am having a hard time. She said that my has just changed completely, the life I knew was over, and she asked "Do you want to live or do you want to die"? I said I want to live and she said " then you will deal with the feelings as they come and you will find a way to keep living.

I don't remember what was said after that or in the sessions following that because when you are in shock there is not too much that you remember. She retired shortly after and I was a little disappointed because I felt like I put a lot of effort and time into sharing my feelings and giving her the back story of what happened. I did not want to start over again. She assured me that someone would take her place and the new person would have the notes. I wish I could say I met the therapist I have now after that but it was not the case. The new therapist was pregnant and only stayed for a short while. By this time I was feeling like how could anyone get to know me if I keep telling the same story over and over then switching. I was disappointed again and a little frustrated but I was determined not to give up. It took a while but someone new started (my current therapist) but by this time a couple of months had passed and I was getting used to dealing with it on my own (or so I thought). I went for a few sessions and told the whole story again and I liked her but I was tired when I got home from work and for whatever reason I just stopped going.

Sometime last November I felt terrible all of the time. I knew that Joseph's birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas we all approaching and I just felt a heavy weight all of the time. My life consisted of working, sleeping, repeat. I really did not want it to be grief or depression so I saw my doctor and told her I was tired all of the time. I wanted my hormone levels to be off or have an adrenal gland problem so she did some blood work and mentioned the therapist to me. When I got the call that my bloodwork was fine, I resigned to the fact that I needed external help.

I approached it differently this time. I was open and really looking for help, not answers on what to do. I opened up more and could remember better what she said. I did all of the work that she gave me to do and I showed up every week, I was seeing progress!

I am so grateful I went back when I did because Nicholas died two months later. One of the first things I did was send a message to her business email (it was before office hours) saying that I needed to get in touch with her as soon as possible. She called me shortly after and made time for me that day. I saw her 2-3 times a week for a while. Again, I do not remember most of the first sessions but I do remember the first day crying, using her desk to lean on while I sat, and telling her I couldn't breathe and I felt like I was going to die. She told me to sit back and take deep breaths and I didn't die. I see her once a week now and I really appreciate what our sessions have evolved into. She knows me pretty well now and knows the way I think so she can sometimes preface in a way I can relate to before she suggests something I would usually resist. She also knows me well enough that we can laugh together at some of the things I think or say. Therapy helps me so much but not in the ways I thought.

There is no quick fix or definitive answers but it is a way to get feelings out. Some of the feelings of grief are very confusing so asking why after I state something is a good way to make me think and dig deeper into myself. It is a safe place to share whatever you are feeling even if you have to tell the same story over and over. I am learning to acknowledge what I am feeling and let myself feel it. I have also learned that while grieving it is important to not be hard on yourself. That was a big change for me because I kind of felt the opposite, that I had to be very diligent so I wouldn't fall into harming habits or behaviors.

Whether therapy is a good choice for everyone I have no idea but it has helped me immensely. Like most things, it is the individual that has to put the work in to get results but they are excellent guides.

When Is It Time To Go Back To Work?

When Joseph died (almost two years ago) I took  two weeks off from work. It was mostly for financial reasons but I also didn't understand what it was that I would go through. I had a really hard time at first. It was awkward walking into work and feeling that everyone was uncomfortable. They did not know what to say or how to act and I didn't either so it was uncomfortable for me as well. Along with that I got the call that Joseph died while I was delivering mail and I was dreading driving past the place that I had to pull over and sit. For a while I cried when I got close to it, I would listen to music to not try to think about it, or I would purposely not look that way as I was driving by. What I didn't understand was that going back meant  getting back into life and that meant putting on a brave face and focus on other things. Looking back I can see that I did not give myself enough time or I didn't use my two weeks for grieving. I felt numb most of the time because it became too exhausting to feel. After a short time I felt like it was too much to fit therapy into my schedule so I stopped going. I was hard on myself and got very frustrated that I wasn't moving along in the grief process. My doctor confirmed what I was feeling about a month ago when she said it seems like I am grieving the loss of both Joseph and Nicholas now.

Today, after two months, was my first day back at work. Paul suggested that I stop in about a week before so I could see everyone then go home and deal with my feelings before having to go through that and stay the whole day. I am very grateful for that advice because it helped a lot. I did get emotional seeing everyone as they were to see me.

 To say I was apprehensive today would be a grand understatement. I was scared to death! The anxiety that comes along with the trauma from a suicide makes doing anything very scary. But, as I have learned to do, I pushed myself and went in. Things were way different this time. I said hello and hugged everyone but there were no tears, no awkwardness. The funny thing about loss is that you learn a true appreciation for the people in your life. It felt really good to see them, to listen to their stories about their lives and laugh with them, just to be a normal person again.

I knew better what to do this time and I gave myself more time to do it. I knew I would struggle financially a little but i knew it would be worth it. I went to therapy several times a week at first and I allowed myself time to really let my feelings out. Therapy, support groups, journaling, yoga.... I listened to my mind and body and gave myself what I needed. I was ready today. I was ready to see my friends, feel productive, and be active.

I didn't even realize when I passed the place where I got the call about Joseph because I was thinking about what I would write today and when I would fit therapy in (which I will continue this time).

I suppose there is no right answer of when to go back to work because it depends on how you spend the time off that you have. I would recommend as long as you possibly can and to use that time to really explore all of your feelings and be very gentle with yourself.
Don't get me wrong while I was working I wished I was at home taking a nap but I think I am ready this time.