As I sat in my therapists office feeling totally numb on that day in April, 2015 I could barely listen to her because of the images in my mind. That phone call that replayed over and over. That phone call is engrained in my memory forever, I still remember it like it was yesterday.
It was Good Friday and I was delivering mail as always enjoying the scenery and in my own world of thoughts. I was excited about the Easter baskets that we made for all of the kids. I always try to take my time in picking out everything that each one of them likes. 4 Easter baskets all the same but attuned to each of their personalities. Even though Joseph was 21, he still loved partaking in the holiday with the other 3, so yes I had one for him too. Purple if I remember correctly. He always found it so funny that I would give them candy and a toothbrush so I made sure to put one in there for fun. I was in a good mood, planning a barbecue for Easter Sunday. I thought that I had to make sure to call Joseph again to remind him. My ex-husband rang my phone which was not unusual for a Friday, we would discuss the visitation.
I answered and he said "He did it." I had no clue what he was talking about. I said "Who? Did what??" He said "Joseph shot himself". I wasn't processing what he was saying but something inside of me said pull over. The whole time it was normal me communicating with a confused and lost me. I pulled on the side of the road and asked "is he OK?" I was still thinking that nothing is wrong. He said "he's gone." Still nothing registering I asked him what he meant, gone from where? He said he was dead. I hung up the phone and ran out of the mail truck onto a boat dock by the water. I had no idea where I was going but I stopped at the edge and felt this very strong sense of clarity. I felt calm for a moment and thought " my life will never be the same again"
The therapist jolted me back to reality by saying those very same words. "Your life will never be the same again, the old you is gone", dread blanketed me. I knew the old me, I liked the old me but this new me that I am now not so much. I left her office that day feeling that by new life she meant I was going to feel the way I felt at that moment forever. The new me; April with the deceased son, the bereaved parent. I imagined a nervous breakdown and total self destruction. I accepted that was who I had to be because I didn't know anything different.
This is one of the times that I will absolutely stand by what I say because after a year and a half of soul searching and gathering information (that I didn't use much) I had to repeat this experience all over again. Pay attention to this : Your life will most definitely change there is no questioning that but how it changes is up to you, you hold that strength and power within you. All of the unused information was still stored and I was still working through the grieving process when Nicholas died but! I was experienced with child loss, I could see what it can do, how low it can bring you, how you can slide into a very bad place but yet feel so comfortable there because it's safe.
I hung on to my old life I held myself to a standard of getting back to what I used to be. I beg you to listen to this. When you on your knees crying and not knowing how you can live your life without your child, you have to change your way of thinking to find the new you.
Now I am in the early stages of grief again but my approach and my attitude are totally different. Think about it; Your Life will never be the same but a different life doesn't mean you have to carry the burden of the death, it doesn't mean self-loathing for what you could have done but didn't, you don't have to feel like you are failure. These are choices we have the power to make. Get into the grief, lean into the feelings.
It's going to be hard at first, I know but your changed life is an opportunity to shed your old skin, throw out all of your lifetime beliefs that do not serve you. Find a new you. I can tell you one thing that happens for sure. You see things through your new eyes. I have a friend who is going through some things, after Joseph died I would think to myself "at least your child isn't dead". This is harmful thinking and it will break you down and put you in spiral of jealousy, resentment, and hating your life. I listen to this friend now and I feel compassion. I cry for her, I feel her pain, I want to help her. There is a big emptiness in your heart, make the choice to fill it with love.
Get out of your comfort zone. I hear people say this and It makes me hurt. "I give it to god". From my experience it seems that these people never move on from that. They stay stuck because they feel like they gave it to god so suffering for the rest of your life is ok. It doesn't have to be this way. I'm not saying don't pray or give up on your beliefs, I'm saying challenge yourself to maybe give some to god and give some to yourself, I promise you by doing the smallest thing you will begin to empower yourself.
I have learned so much about so many things by starting really small with my new self on wobbly shaky legs. I have opened a world that I never knew existed. But I control it now because I have a strong belief in myself that I can. I have bad days, sure, but I know what to do to not make it bad weeks. I now know that I am not only April with two sons that took their own lives, I am April who feels a fierce passion to help other people.
The energy of loss and grieving are very powerful, try to turn that energy into helping yourself.
You will never, ever stop loving your child. You will think about them everyday. You will probably talk to them, and if you do that while thinking "what would they want me to do? What would make them proud?" The answer would be they want you to live. You won't forget about them, you will cry about them but you want that, you want that connection. It never goes away because it is unconditional love.
I was not exaggerating when I said I feel a deep passion to help other people who don't have answers, don't know what to do, or how to feel. I am working on a few things that will hopefully be helpful. I am taking the powerful emotions and energy and letting it fuel me to make a difference and you better believe Joseph and Nicholas are right here with me in my heart. I think they would be proud of the new me that I am becoming.
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