How Your Environment Can Affect You While Grieving

I did an accidental experiment, which is usually how I stumble upon things that work for me.

It all started around three weeks ago. I was trying a few new things (as always) for sleeping better at night. Nighttime can be a very scary thing for me because I usually either;

1) Dream about Joseph or Nicholas and the
     dreams are usually strange and I wake up
     sweating with a pounding chest and can't go
      back to sleep or,

2) I have normal dreams but for the first few
      seconds, in a dream/awake state, I think that
       they are still alive until the truth sets in and
       I feel a wave of dread and sorrow that can
       be hard to shake.

I'm used to sleeping with the television on but I decided to try a guided meditation wearing ear buds. I liked falling asleep to positive messages and most of them include some breathing exercises to slow the heart rate and help with relaxation.
I was enjoying that so I ventured a little deeper into it. I started finding 8 hour guided meditation with hypnosis, I chose those that were about anxiety and depression. Those were great too although I do not know everything that was said because I was falling asleep rather quickly.

Around the same time I started listening to podcasts while I was working because I spend the majority of my day alone and my thoughts can wander to some pretty dark places if I don't pay attention. I tried music but I would get emotional about certain songs and no one wants a crying mail carrier. The podcasts I downloaded were about mindfulness then I came across a certain one that caught my attention, The Sacred Space. This is a spiritual healer from London and most of the topics resonated with me, the ones that didn't I just skipped.

Also, while writing blog posts I was finding the television to be distracting so I started listening to binaural beats for concentration.

So! I have the positive message podcasts, the binaural beats while writing, and the guided meditation at night, which equates to almost no television or regular music. I was feeling really good, so good that I even asked my therapist what was happening. By nature I just have to rule out things before I accept something to be true so I asked "Am I in denial?", "Have I just lost my mind?" She convinced me that I haven't and she doesn't think I'm denying anything and maybe going back to work had something to do with it, so I accepted it but at the time I wasn't sure what was causing my positive, upbeat attitude.

Not knowing that all of these things were helping, I started slipping back into my old patterns. I still listened to podcasts but I changed to one that related to blogging. I started to feel stress because I realized how much I didn't know. I also started falling asleep to the television again.

Well yesterday I was having a really trying day. It was the second anniversary of Joseph's death. (On a side note, I have learned  a few tips for dealing with events such as these like going to the cemetery with flowers the day before so I didn't have to rush through work then drive through traffic in the evening. I knew I had to work so I got in the mindset of getting through the workday then not putting any pressure on myself for the rest of the day.) The day was just a series of little jabs at me. My car wouldn't start in the morning, I dropped a tray of mail at the post office and had to put it back in order, I slipped and fell on a step while delivering a package, I cut my finger and bled on my shorts. Whew! When I finished work and went home I envisioned having a cup of coffee in my favorite chair in my meditation room and just relaxing. I put the cup down on table next to the chair and while adjusting the chair cushion I knocked the cup of coffee over....everywhere... my computer, remote controls, walls, baseboards. Well that was it! I cleaned up the mess then curled up in my chair and went to sleep.

When I woke up I thought a lot about how good I was feeling, so I compared the last few weeks with the past week and realized what was helping me feel good so last night when I went to bed, I listened to a meditation. I downloaded podcasts with positive messages and I have to say, I had a good day today.

If you are feeling down or "stuck", maybe try to change a couple of small things and see if you notice a difference?

Has anyone had similar experiences? If so please leave a comment or send an email, I'd love to hear from you!