Step 1, Check!

The website is finally up! I transferred all of my posts to there along with a brand new one. This is a pretty bare bones site right now but I am able to build it up as it grows. I'm really excited to have this done so check it out and please leave any feedback on the contact page to help me make it better. Thanks everyone!

http://www.lostmychildtosuicide.com/

Patience With Yourself

We have to adjust our lives to fit with our circumstances.

I am typically the type of person who holds myself to high standard, meaning if I want to accomplish a task I never allow myself to say I can't do it because I know with time and determination I can learn.
A few days ago I started a rather large project, creating a website which will be the new home for my blog, hold content for download as I create it, list links to resources, and hopefully build a community for grieving parents to find a safe place to open up about their feelings. I spent the better part of two days researching and comparing all of the different hosting packages. That is way too long to research that! Anyhow, by early afternoon I had the company and a new domain name.

After four hours of working on it I did not even have a font for the title...ugh.. I got so frustrated. I'm used to being able to be sure of such simple decisions with focus, and just fly through tasks such as this. I had to walk outside and take some deep breaths.

Before I got angry with myself I stopped and thought about that I shouldn't compare myself to how I was before. My brain is a little more foggy and I made a promise to myself to not push so hard. I realized I had not stopped to eat, drink, or move from the spot I was in. I thought about why I was putting so much pressure on myself. The answer was I want to create something beautiful, comfortable, and informative to help other people. I know now to do this, I need to help myself as well. I stepped back inside and felt proud of myself for how it looked so far. I decided to stop  for the rest of the day and just relax.

Be patient with the new you. Don't expect to perform the way you did before, instead break things into smaller pieces. It may take a little more time but so what! Recognize the positive in things that you accomplish, even if it's getting out of bed. I am proud that I was productive on my day off and that I just didn't lay in bed all day and that my focus is changing more to doing something that could possibly help someone.

How Your Environment Can Affect You While Grieving

I did an accidental experiment, which is usually how I stumble upon things that work for me.

It all started around three weeks ago. I was trying a few new things (as always) for sleeping better at night. Nighttime can be a very scary thing for me because I usually either;

1) Dream about Joseph or Nicholas and the
     dreams are usually strange and I wake up
     sweating with a pounding chest and can't go
      back to sleep or,

2) I have normal dreams but for the first few
      seconds, in a dream/awake state, I think that
       they are still alive until the truth sets in and
       I feel a wave of dread and sorrow that can
       be hard to shake.

I'm used to sleeping with the television on but I decided to try a guided meditation wearing ear buds. I liked falling asleep to positive messages and most of them include some breathing exercises to slow the heart rate and help with relaxation.
I was enjoying that so I ventured a little deeper into it. I started finding 8 hour guided meditation with hypnosis, I chose those that were about anxiety and depression. Those were great too although I do not know everything that was said because I was falling asleep rather quickly.

Around the same time I started listening to podcasts while I was working because I spend the majority of my day alone and my thoughts can wander to some pretty dark places if I don't pay attention. I tried music but I would get emotional about certain songs and no one wants a crying mail carrier. The podcasts I downloaded were about mindfulness then I came across a certain one that caught my attention, The Sacred Space. This is a spiritual healer from London and most of the topics resonated with me, the ones that didn't I just skipped.

Also, while writing blog posts I was finding the television to be distracting so I started listening to binaural beats for concentration.

So! I have the positive message podcasts, the binaural beats while writing, and the guided meditation at night, which equates to almost no television or regular music. I was feeling really good, so good that I even asked my therapist what was happening. By nature I just have to rule out things before I accept something to be true so I asked "Am I in denial?", "Have I just lost my mind?" She convinced me that I haven't and she doesn't think I'm denying anything and maybe going back to work had something to do with it, so I accepted it but at the time I wasn't sure what was causing my positive, upbeat attitude.

Not knowing that all of these things were helping, I started slipping back into my old patterns. I still listened to podcasts but I changed to one that related to blogging. I started to feel stress because I realized how much I didn't know. I also started falling asleep to the television again.

Well yesterday I was having a really trying day. It was the second anniversary of Joseph's death. (On a side note, I have learned  a few tips for dealing with events such as these like going to the cemetery with flowers the day before so I didn't have to rush through work then drive through traffic in the evening. I knew I had to work so I got in the mindset of getting through the workday then not putting any pressure on myself for the rest of the day.) The day was just a series of little jabs at me. My car wouldn't start in the morning, I dropped a tray of mail at the post office and had to put it back in order, I slipped and fell on a step while delivering a package, I cut my finger and bled on my shorts. Whew! When I finished work and went home I envisioned having a cup of coffee in my favorite chair in my meditation room and just relaxing. I put the cup down on table next to the chair and while adjusting the chair cushion I knocked the cup of coffee over....everywhere... my computer, remote controls, walls, baseboards. Well that was it! I cleaned up the mess then curled up in my chair and went to sleep.

When I woke up I thought a lot about how good I was feeling, so I compared the last few weeks with the past week and realized what was helping me feel good so last night when I went to bed, I listened to a meditation. I downloaded podcasts with positive messages and I have to say, I had a good day today.

If you are feeling down or "stuck", maybe try to change a couple of small things and see if you notice a difference?

Has anyone had similar experiences? If so please leave a comment or send an email, I'd love to hear from you!

Two Years

Two years ago I got the call that would begin the transformation of my life as it is now. Two years of seeing the depths of darkness that no human being should ever have to see. Two years of butterflies, pennies, or feathers that are supposed to be you. One trillion pennies dumped in front of me could never take the place of, as Paul said it, "The two of you light up when you see each other". My firstborn,  first grandchild, oldest cousin, big brother (and hero) to three, my soul partner, and great friend you are terribly missed. I think of you every single day.  You live in my heart and I feel you , subtly around me.
Thank you for coming into my life and teaching me so much. I am honored to be your mother, and not a day goes by that you aren't influencing my life in some way. I treasure our memories and our secrets are locked inside of me. You brought so much joy to the world, I wish you could have felt that in your darkest hours.
My love forever,
Your Mother

Do you ever stop thinking about them or loving them? No. Do you learn to appreciate the most simple moments? Absolutely.

Your Life Will Change

As I sat in my therapists office feeling totally numb on that day in April, 2015 I could barely listen to her because of the images in my mind. That phone call that replayed over and over. That phone call is engrained in my memory forever, I still remember it like it was yesterday.

It was Good Friday and I was delivering mail as always enjoying the scenery and in my own world of thoughts. I was excited about the Easter baskets that we made for all of the kids. I always try to take my time in picking out everything that each one of them likes. 4 Easter baskets all the same but attuned to each of their personalities. Even though Joseph was 21, he still loved partaking in the holiday with the other 3, so yes I had one for him too. Purple if I remember correctly. He always found it so funny that I would give them candy and a toothbrush so I made sure to put one in there for fun. I was in a good mood, planning a barbecue for Easter Sunday. I thought that I had to make sure to call Joseph again to remind him. My ex-husband rang my phone which was not unusual for a Friday, we would discuss the visitation.

I answered and he said "He did it." I had no clue what he was talking about. I said "Who? Did what??" He said "Joseph shot himself". I wasn't processing what he was saying but something inside of me said pull over. The whole time it was normal me communicating with a confused and lost me. I pulled on the side of the road and asked "is he OK?" I was still thinking that nothing is wrong. He said "he's gone." Still nothing registering I asked him what he meant, gone from where? He said he was dead. I hung up the phone and ran out of the mail truck onto a boat dock by the water. I had no idea where I was going but I stopped at the edge and felt this very strong sense of clarity. I felt calm for a moment and thought " my life will never be the same again"

The therapist jolted me back to reality by saying those very same words. "Your life will never be the same again, the old you is gone", dread blanketed me. I knew the old me, I liked the old me but this new me that I am now not so much. I left her office that day feeling that by new life she meant I was going to feel the way I felt at that moment forever. The new me; April with the deceased son, the bereaved parent. I imagined a nervous breakdown and total self destruction.  I accepted that was who I had to be because I didn't know anything different.

This is one of the times that I will absolutely stand by what I say because after a year and a half of soul searching and gathering information (that I didn't use much) I had to repeat this experience all over again. Pay attention to this : Your life will most definitely change there is no questioning that but how it changes is up to you, you hold that strength and power within you. All of the unused information was still stored and I was still working through the grieving process when Nicholas died but! I was experienced with child loss, I could see what it can do, how low it can bring you, how you can slide into a very bad place but yet feel so comfortable there because it's safe.

 I hung on to my old life I held myself to a standard of getting back to what I used to be. I beg you to listen to this. When you on your knees crying and not knowing how you can live your life without your child, you have to change your way of thinking to find the new you.

Now I am in the early stages of grief again but my approach and my attitude are totally different. Think about it; Your Life will never be the same but a different life doesn't mean you have to carry the burden of the death, it doesn't mean self-loathing for what you could have done but didn't, you don't have to feel like you are failure. These are choices we have the power to make. Get into the grief, lean into the feelings.

It's going to be hard at first, I know but your changed life is an opportunity to shed your old skin, throw out all of your lifetime beliefs that do not serve you. Find a new you. I can tell you one thing that happens for sure. You see things through your new eyes. I have a friend who is going through some things, after Joseph died I would think to myself "at least your child isn't dead". This is harmful thinking and it will break you down and put you in spiral of jealousy, resentment, and hating your life. I listen to this friend now and I feel compassion. I cry for her, I feel her pain, I want to help her. There is a big emptiness in your heart, make the choice to fill it with love.

Get out of your comfort zone. I hear people say this and It makes me hurt. "I give it to god". From my experience it seems that these people never move on from that. They stay stuck because they feel like they gave it to god so suffering for the rest of your life is ok. It doesn't have to be this way. I'm not saying don't pray or give up on your beliefs, I'm saying challenge yourself to maybe give some to god and give some to yourself, I promise you by doing the smallest thing you will begin to empower yourself.

I have learned so much about so many things by starting really small with my new self on wobbly shaky legs. I have opened a world that I never knew existed. But I control it now because I have a strong belief in myself that I can. I have bad days, sure, but I know what to do to not make it bad weeks. I now know that I am not only April with two sons that took their own lives, I am April who feels a fierce passion to help other people.

The energy of loss and grieving are very powerful, try to turn that energy into helping yourself.

You will never, ever stop loving your child. You will think about them everyday. You will probably talk to them, and if you do that while thinking "what would they want me to do? What would make them proud?" The answer would be they want you to live. You won't forget about them, you will cry about them but you want that, you want that connection. It never goes away because it is unconditional love.

I was not exaggerating when I said I feel a deep passion to help other people who don't have answers, don't know what to do, or how to feel. I am working on a few things that will hopefully be helpful. I am taking the powerful emotions and energy and letting it fuel me to make a difference and you better believe Joseph and Nicholas are right here with me in my heart. I think they would be proud of the new me that I am becoming.

One Of Those Days

 It was supposed to be a relaxing and productive day off. I was creating a worksheet to go along with a future post, taking a bath, and getting a little bit of cleaning done. I was going through a box of books, that have to be stored in the attic, to find some that I could donate to the library. As i was sifting I came across a photo album.

I thought to myself "don't do it" but I just couldn't help it. I wanted to see all of us, I wanted to see them. I saw pictures of them with their cousins, and their great-grandmother. Carefree and smiling faces in every photo, kids just being kids. My mind drifted to the ever dreading "whys?" and "hows?" How in the world could these two children with loving families, a suburban middle class upbringing, good friends, and everything thing else that goes with a normal life, how could the only solution be to take their own lives?

As always, there was no answer. When I wore myself out thinking, I began browsing the internet for some information, I came across an article that said a popular suicide prevention advocate took her own life.
31 year old Amy Bleuel was the founder of the Project Semicolon,  a  global nonprofit dedicated to those who are struggling with mental illness, suicide, addiction, and self injury.

As stated by Amy from The Mighty in 2015:

 " In literature, an author uses a semicolon to not end a sentence but to continue on. We see it as you are the author and your life is the sentence. You're choosing to keep going."

The questions came right back to me. I've seen people respond to her with great appreciation. I cannot count the times people said she saved their lives. It completely puzzles me how she could not have felt so brave and so proud that she made such a different in peoples lives.

This is just not in my realm of understanding  yet, so I went to back to doing something that I do understand; Writng and sharing in hopes of one day helping someone.

 Please always try to find a good in the bad, and a little glimmer of hope in times of deperation.

Use What Serves You, Leave The Rest

From the moment of your loss, advice will be flying at you from all directions. It will come in many different forms from many different people. I am a voracious researcher, if I can relate to a topic I will learn as much about it as I can. I also try to find out as much as I can from my peers.

My suggestion is to try anything that isn't harmful to yourself and others. Everyone has their own perspectives and beliefs but healing from a loss so great, even living with it, is extremely challenging. No one can tell you what will work, only you will know that and you will only know if you try.
I was resistant to a few things at first that I now find invaluable. I didn't think mindful or deep breathing would help me or writing in a journal. These are two things that are a constant for me now.

I read a lot about spiritual practices and religion and if something resonates with me I dig further and apply it to my situation, if not I move on to something else. The best thing to do is keep trying. It is difficult to see things in a positive way but there has to be a little light of hope.

I was listening to a podcast today and the woman was talking about how we can only feel something as much as we have felt the opposite of it. With horrendous pain can come great joy, with tragic loss can come a deeper appreciation of what you have. It is hard to think about joy I know, but the faintest glimmer of hope can save you at times when you cannot imagine life without your child.

If anyone is interested in a book on the topics of child loss or suicide please reach out to me. Also, I can assist with locating information, or give some ideas. Please be open to learning new things and never give into thinking that nothing can help you.

Information is a very powerful tool. Use what serves you then leave the rest.

.

We Are Strong

In a telephone conversation with my beautiful mother last night the subject of my blog came up. She said that she was proud of me and she said that I was strong. When people say this to me I usually say thank you, and leave it at that. While anyone is saying this I think to myself " I'm really not".  I thought about this a lot today.

When we are faced with a tragedy, what other choices are there? Why is it that people think I am strong? For me, the aftermath of loss and suicide leaves a lot of anxiety. Anxiety is fear; fear of what might happen in the future. It is disempowering to constantly worry about what may happen. This is part of what I am currently working on for myself.

Mindfulness and living for each moment negates those feelings because we can learn to say "Right now I am OK" and not worry about what will happen next year, next month, next week, tomorrow, or even a few hours from now. It is surrendering to the fact that we cannot control anything except how we react or respond to a situation. This is tough! I am unsuccessful at it more than not, it's just how my brain is trained to think. We tend to have a million things running through our minds at once, from the most insignificant things (Did I pay the water bill? Did I turn the flat iron off?) to my biggest fears having to do with loss or death, that I really do not have any control over. I try to notice and stop it when it happens and with time, hopefully, I will be able to totally be in "right now". So, as far as being strong goes, anxiety  makes me feel weak and powerless.

To me, I just see it as dealing with my situation as it is. I watched a television program about Jaycee Dugard, the woman who was kidnapped and held captive for almost 20 years, she told her story and had a positive outlook and now appreciates every day that she has. I thought "wow, she is strong!".  Single parents are strong, children who were kidnapped for sex trafficking and spread awareness are strong, as are people who grow up being abused and spread awareness about it. It is all surviving horrible events but not letting those things break you. In that case, yes, I suppose I am strong but I am only doing what I feel will be creating a life worth living.

As far as this blog goes, I am just just as surprised as anyone else, to be honest. I have yet to write anything that didn't just flow through me. There is a powerful need in me to do something that may, one day, reach someone who needs this information. Maybe not even needs this exact information but finds this and contacts me to help them with what they do need.

I am going to do a whole post on what I am about to say, falling under the category of my experience with different things I have tried to help with dealing the pain of suicide, but I will share a small piece of it now.

A dear friend of mine sent a text message to me saying that she added me to a Facebook group. She said it contained psychics and mediums that do short readings live for free. I thanked her but didn't give much thought to it. I never considered talking to a medium but I've always found it interesting. One day while looking through my page I noticed someone was streaming a video so I clicked on it to see what she was saying. People were asking for a reading and she was going through the list in order. She would make some observations about their life and they all seemed pleased and agreeable with what she was saying.

I thought why not? I'll give it a shot. I posted a simple question "May I have a reading?" and waited for my turn, which never came. I got tired of waiting and moved along. As I was scrolling down I realized that it was not live, it was just recorded from when it was. Let me mention that I am, in no way, good at Facebook. I never post anything on my page and I maybe have ten friends.
A bit later as I was doing something else and had already forgotten about my flub, I received a message from the medium saying she saw my comment and told me about the services she offers. I embarrassingly apologized and told her that I was not working at the moment and I couldn't afford it but I would check into it when I was able. She told me that she was drawn to me and said there was a young man with her who said he had to tell me some things that I needed to hear, and offered her services at no charge if I was willing to wait for her work day to end because she felt compelled.
Now! I was skeptical to say the least but I thought it was kind of her and my interest was piqued, so I graciously accepted. One more message came from her that asked me to be open to it. I said I would be and I waited.
This has a point, I promise. The time came and she contacted me. I was really afraid of what she may say to me because I was in such a fragile state. I'm going to save most of it for a different post but she said "They need you to tell your story to help other moms, I'm not sure what they mean do you?" I said yes.  I started this blog shortly after that.

Before Nicholas died, my therapist told me I should look into being a speaker and spreading the word about surviving and child loss but I kind of dismissed it. Right after Joseph died I bought a domain name and started a blog but didn't write one post. I just didn't know what to write and I was scared of sharing such personal things in my life. Now I feel pushed to, I feel a passion about it. I want to share, provide information, and just let everyone who is faced with child loss and suicide know that they are not alone. I never feel like I have to be perfect, only that I have to be real.

Call it strength, call it a newfound compassion for other people, or call it my children guiding me. I don't know what is, but I have no intention of stopping.

I am strong. We are strong.

Sitting With Your Feelings

Yesterday's post was about taking a break from grief and how it brings  some relief. Today I would like to talk about sitting with your feelings. This is part of what I am talking about when I say grief work. It can be incredibly hard and scary sometimes because you never know what will come up but on the flip side it helps in so many ways.

Allowing your feelings to come to the surface allows you feel them and identify them which will lead  to processing them and eventually coming to terms with them. This could be part of a daily practice (which I will discuss at a later time) or in the early stages of grieving, just when you feel the strength to do it.

It shouldn't be done for long periods and it is not meant to be intense or heartbreaking rather, a form of self love. I will use what I did today as an example.

I sat in a space that was quiet with low lights and candles. I know that it is not easy to always find a quiet space, but even putting in earbuds with the sounds of  nature, or anything else that is soothing but not distracting would be just fine.
Take a few deep breaths, inhale through your nose and exhale from your mouth. A million thoughts will be flying around but don't worry about it. Just keep breathing and relax. When you are calm and settled, think about what you are feeling. Now, create an inner dialogue. What are you feeling? I feel a heaviness in my heart and I feel like I am going to cry, I am sad. (Cry if it comes up and allow yourself to feel sad) Why do you feel sad? I miss Joseph and Nicholas so much that it hurts. Why do you miss them? Because I want to talk to them, hug them, and ask them how their day was, but I can't.  What do you think is making you feel this way? Because I love them so much. Then love them. (Feel the love you have for them).

Typically then, I can feel love and not sadness. Sadness is an easier one to tackle. There can also be guilt, anger, regret, the very powerful "whys" or any other thing that you may be feeling. Anger and guilt can take a little longer but for me it always comes back to love.

This is by no means a magic cure but it helps to understand your feelings so that when you are feeling them strongly or feeling many at once, you have a little bit of grounding. You can acknowledge the feelings instead of suppressing them which is harmful and doesn't work anyway (yes, I have tried). Suppressed feelings will eventually come back up but will harder to deal with and feels like a big mess of confusion.

After I do this I just sit and breathe deeply again for a minute then feel proud of myself for facing scary feelings. Grieving is hard and it is exhausting but finding things that work for you can oftentimes make it a little less heavy.
When you feel like you can't handle the pain, think of the times that you sat with it and handled it. Empower yourself.

Take A Step Back From Grieving

A big portion of my life is spent dealing with death, loss, suicide, and grief. I sleep for eight hours, work for eight hours, and do regular life things (grocery shop, cleaning, etc..). I also fit in therapy once a week and research various topics of healing for several hours. Along with that I do grief work which would be writing in my journal, art therapy, work on anything that comes up in therapy that week, and I also attend a support group for survivors of suicide.  That's a lot of heavy stuff and very little time for doing anything else.

One thing I have come to understand is that it is necessary to step out of it once in a while. Notice I said necessary, not nice or if you have the time. I need to feel normal and not the person whose two sons died. I need to talk to people who have no idea what is going on in my life. I need time to distract my mind and take a break from the darkness that can envelop  someone while grieving.

What I am learning is that who we are and what we are doing at the time can begin to create more of the same. Let's say i'm immersed in all of these things about death and suicide. It is all I do, all I think about. After a while that dark heavy feeling stays with me, it gets ingrained in me and becomes depressing. All of my thoughts are teaching me that this is all I am and this is all I will ever be.

Why am I researching healing for grief for if all I do is stay stuck in terrible feelings of grief? I get stuck in that and begins a cycle that ends with "Oh well, this is the hand I have been dealt and the rest of my life will be this way". I revert back yet again to show another way I have grown since Joseph died. I did accept that my life is forever changed, and the grief will never go away. My take on this, my perception, was I was happy before but now that he has died, that part of me is gone and for the rest of my life I will be a grieving mother who can never go back to being the person I was.

Now part of this is true, but the way I acted it out was wrong for me. Life as I knew it is over, but who says that has to be horrible? I will grieve forever. I can deal with that but it does not have to be my whole existence. So, what if we changed our perception a little.

When Nicholas died, I bottomed out. I went to zero, nothing left in me, no place for hope. If I decided I was going to live, I would need to find out how to live with this, how to use it to my advantage and not against myself. I devote eight hours to work, I try my best to care for those around me, yet there was no taking care of myself. You need to treat yourself as you would your closest loved ones so I did what I would recommend someone to do if they asked me.

The pain is real, the grief is real, I accept that. Now, I thought, what have I learned from this? Life is short, your whole life can completely change in a second, the people in your life are not promised to you for any amount of time so enjoy them and enjoy life! I promise you the grief doesn't go anywhere, you won't forget about your child, but maybe you can carry it in a different way, a way that does not constantly feel so heavy. Something that I am coming to understand for myself is that when you spend time with the feeling of grief and really let yourself feel it, all of the feelings are just really love. Love for your child. Angry that they aren't there? It's because you love them and miss them. Sad? You think about them and not having them in your life. Trying to get answers? It's your mothering instinct to make them OK so that you can love them.

A bit off topic but just a little paragraph about spiritual beliefs. I went on a retreat focused on dealing with grief. I spent five days in intensive therapy with this wonderful psychologist and the topic of religion came up. I said I don't really have one, I don't have anyone to pray to that will make my pain go away. She said that was OK because it did not matter. No one positively knows what happens after we die, so you can believe whatever helps you. If you want to think that Joseph is with you, then think that, who are you hurting? I didn't really understand that until recently, and that is why I do not like to talk about religion. I borrow things from so many different places that I am almost every religion. If you want to believe the penny you see on the floor is a sign from your child, wonderful! That is going to make you feel good. If you believe that you can talk in your head to your child and they can hear you then you feel something, fabulous! If it makes you feel better to know that one day you will be with your child again in heaven, I think that would be very comforting. If you say that you give it to god and that brings you peace, who are you hurting? Find what you feel comfortable with. There are almost as many believe systems as there are people, try some out. Find out what feels good to you and use it. I choose to treat my grief as my companion to go on this journey with me and I like to feel like my children are with me, watching me, and guiding me. The grief is all love that you can not express to a physical body. I will take that. I will love them forever and I am OK with that.

Back to the topic! I devote eight hours a day to work so I will devote a little of time for me. I do whatever thing I am reading about at the moment which usually has something to do with meditating. I have this beautiful space that I can really quiet my mind in and I go to a place of "what do I want for myself?". I also meditate to relieve anxiety. Restorative yoga is just amazing, I love it. I put my mind and body in that space and I don't think about anything else. I burn some incense or a candle and pay complete attention to my body, what it needs and what I am feeling. It's all about slow movement, opening up your body, breathing through your whole body. It can really be refreshing and invigorating. You don't have to attend an expensive class (unless you want to). If you like the idea but are afraid of trying it just grab a towel and look on  youtube for a video.

A little off topic again but these thoughts keep coming up. Give this a little bit of thought if it interests you. On an emotional spectrum, you can only feel something the opposite you've felt another. Let's see... You date someone and it's OK, nothing spectacular, you feel alright when you are with them and alright when you aren't. the scale doesn't move much in either direction. You meet the next person and it's omg mind blowing! You are so attracted and feel so happy, emotions for days. When you lose this person you will feel a greater sadness because you felt a great happiness. On our topic; You lost your child. Your world is shattered, you are in a million pieces, your heart is broken, and you feel like you can't go on. You don't understand how you could have just talked to them and now they are gone. This is the sadness extreme so using the other example, you may want to start viewing your life in the opposite way. You show more love to everyone because you never know.. You appreciate things like a sunrise, or a beautiful garden. You have felt the worst you can ever feel in life, so wouldn't it then be capable of feeling the best? This is a lot of what I am personally exploring right now. Exploring this is what lead me to writing this blog. Something in you begins to feel things differently. More love, more of a desire to help people, more appreciation for the things and people around you. That shifts the cycle of feeling bad all of the time to feeling good all of the time. You have a purpose, you have a life, you can live that life.

That kind of leads back to taking a step back. First set your intention. Let's say mine is to get away from being a bereaved parent for just a tiny drop in time and appreciate being out of my surroundings which makes that difficult. I will stay in a hotel and get a spa treatment or whatever and let myself be in that moment. Recharge, see that there is more than crying in your pillow everyday and watching sad movies (yes, I do that too). I will no longer feel guilty for that! It gives me the energy to do the tough grief work. Do what works for you, whatever makes you feel good...see a movie, go to dinner, play in your garden that you haven't tended to in a while anything that brings you back to YOU and allows you to see that you can still have an appreciation for life.
Notice I said set your intention. That means make sure it is positive for you and it will benefit you. If you say I need to escape this grief for a little while so I am going to go to a bar with some friends and get drunk, that's fine but notice that your intention is to hide your pain. You will have a hangover the next day and you will feel worse.

Do something loving for yourself. Think to yourself that your grief is just love that you cannot express and hold that in your heart, right where love should be. It is still right there so you are not forgetting about or pushing it away, you are holding it to make time for you. You have been through so much, you deserve some rest to refuel. You will thank yourself for it and so will the people around you.

Should You Take Medication?

After suffering the loss of a child, especially in cases of suicide, this is a question that often comes up. It becomes rather clinical with different symptoms being treated differently and it also depends on the individual. Whether or not it is right for someone is not for me to decide but I can share my own experience times two.

When Joseph died and I visited the emergency room I was given the five or so mild pills for anxiety. It was just used to help me calm down, get through the funeral, and give me time to see my regular doctor. I told her that it helped a little and I was given the option to continue the small dose for a short amount of time and to begin antidepressant medication.

I read a lot about it and talked to a few people prior to the visit so I was somewhat prepared for the question. The answers were all over the board as always. I was told it would be damaging and prolong the grieving process because it would numb my feelings. I was told by a mother who lost her son to suicide that it saved her, and I read about pretty much everything in between. I opted to try the medication.

Suicide is complicated as are the feelings that come with it. It is sudden, and terribly traumatizing. When it is a child there is even more involved. Anxiety medication worked for me and it's very effective but there is a downside. Doctors do not like to prescribe it and when they do it is meant for a short period of time. The reason for this is because it is habit forming and because most people develop a tolerance for it. I am speaking of Benzodiazepines such as Xanax,  Klonopin, and Valium. So typically speaking, you start at the smallest dose and soon that won't be enough. The dose needs to continually be raised to keep the original effectiveness, and it can get to a point where you can physically withdraw from it if the dose gets high enough. I was aware of this and used it sparingly when I had trouble sleeping. Xanax is good for that because it's fast acting but wears off a little more quickly. I frequently had nightmares and woke up with horrible anxiety.  I would also wake up and replay certain things over and over in my mind until I worked myself into a frenzy. My doctor eventually presciped the lowest dose of Klonopin but I also had a treatment plan, combined it with therapy to learn coping mechanisms, and I tried other other medications that are proven to help with sleep but are prescribed prmarly for other conditions namely, a prescribed dose of antihistamine and later a specific drug prescribed for low blood pressure but was shown to help with nightmares associated with post traumatic stress disorder. I also started a low dose of anti-depressant which can be a lot of trial and error to find the right one. They take a little while to begin relieving symptoms of depression and are meant for longer term usage.

With the right medications in place, I gave myself one year, so at nine months I would begin lowering the dosage slowly as to reduce the side effects. (This is very important with anti-depressants because of the chemical changes in the brain).  I found the medication to be very helpful and I did not feel at all like I was numb. I was able to feel but the extreme highs and lows were tempered. In therapy I learned about breathing exercises to slow the heart rate and I started a meditation practice. In all honesty when the time came I was ready to stop taking everything and I did so before the one year mark. Just like therapy, it takes a lot of work. It really is a lot of experimenting and a doctor doesn't just give you a years supply. I had to see mine every month to gauge my symptoms.

I did fine without them. I took Melatonin at night, drank herbal tea, practiced meditation, and tried a few herbal supplements. Nothing really made all of the feelings go away and nothing really exasperated them either.  I continued this until last December when I was depressed and made the decision to try medication again.

When Nicholas died in January the medication was already in my system but, just like the time before, it did not stop the feelings or the pain. I was already opening up in therapy and the whole experience just felt different. I did (and still do) feel the swing of emotions that grief brings in the beginning. I told the Psychatrist "The medication isn't working!" He and my therapist assured me that it was so nothing was changed. Again, I find myself just past the trial and error point but I have not been so  hard on myself with setting a specific date. I'm not as worried this time because I know how they affect me and I'm trying to be gentle with myself. I was extremely worried about the anxiety medication and what could possibly happen the first time taking them that I gave myself anxiety about that! I was very afraid of getting addicted to it. This time I know that, taken as prescribed, it can be used as a tool and not a crutch. I'm now aware that I will know when it's time to stop and I know I will be able to. I also have a lot more knowledge and experience with death, grieving, and the feelings that go along with it.

As everything, it comes down to personal choice. It does take work and maintenance but, when used  in conjunction with therapy, can really help to process the intense feelings that need to be dealt with. I  still use breathing techniques and herbal tea at night to help calm myself before bed. I continue my journey of looking for things that help. I gain more confidence and strength when I praise myself when I take a step forward and I am more open to just accepting things as they come and not unnecessarily pushing myself.

A Disclaimer

It has been about a week now and writing these posts has really helped me. I am doing this with hopes that someday someone who needs this will find it and learn from it or even reach out to me. I try hard everyday to do the best I can. I struggle most of the time and live with deep pain. At one point it was easy for me to say, "I have to be strong, I have to go on to be there for Nicholas" and that was enough to keep me going. I don't have that anymore. Now I try to be strong for myself, for my family, and for the feeling that I can't shake that I have something to share, something people can learn from. I'm not really sure what that is yet but I just know deep down that it will manifest into something. There has to be hope in these terrible events in my life, there just has to be.

I have been very sensitive for as long as I can remember. I cannot tell you how many times I've heard "You are too soft-hearted" or "You are way too sensitive" but for some reason I never stopped being that way. I never wanted to be someone with a wall up, I chose to stay vulnerable and it surprises me that I am openly sharing as much as I am. This has become my journal and the way I write to myself is the way I write these posts. It is raw, open, and honest. I am not a writer, nor am I trying to be. I do no editing so there will be spelling and grammatical errors. This is just the only way I know how that I could maybe, just maybe, help someone who needs it.

On content: As open as I have been, there are a few things I am afraid to talk about in fear of being judged or ridiculed. The biggest one is suicide prevention. I could talk a lot about signs to look for and what someone who is suicidal may be feeling but, a part of me says "who are you to tell that to anyone". I read all about it after Joseph's death. I learned what to do and what to look for. I put it all into  practice with Nicholas because I was scared every single day since Joseph died that Nicholas would do the same. I knew, statistically speaking, that he ,and everyone in our family, was a higher risk. I can't imagine how hard it was for that 14 year old boy to process the loss of his hero. I was so proud of him for being able to share his feelings with me. I made sure that he felt that he had a support system around him to turn to if he needed, and I let him freely express himself to me but somehow, someway it happened again. So yes, I can talk about what to look out for, but I am not brave enough just yet.

Religion and spiritual beliefs is another. That is just territory I try to stay away from with people. I was raised Catholic. My whole family was, everyone I knew was, so being young, I just assumed everyone was. It did not resonate with me but I never judged it. I tend to shy away from topics that involve spiritual beliefs because, again, I don't want to be judged and I don't want anyone to feel excluded. Some people tell me that they pray for me every night. I think it's beautiful and I don't think about who they are praying to or what they are saying, I think how loved it makes me feel that they think of me every night. Again, someday I will have have to include some of my beliefs to stay true to what I am writing for and I hope I get the strength to do that.

The last topic that I am scared of is things that I try to help with grieving. Anyone who knows me very well knows that I am a very open-minded person. I know that I will live with this loss for the rest of my life. This broken heart isn't going to go away so I know that I have to do what feels right for me and the only way I will know what is right for me is to try things, lots and lots of things.
I was talking to my mom one day and I mentioned something I did (I'll save the details for later) but you would have thought I said "I wake up and smoke crack each morning to dull the pain" based on her reaction. It was something like *gasp* "Oh, April!". She was just trying to protect me from a similar situation that was hurtful for me but, the point is that not everyone will agree, or accept what I try and I'm OK with that. Again, I just don't want to be hurt or ridiculed for the things I try to bring some understanding to my situation.

My hopes are that my writing style will improve, that I can learn some tech stuff to make this look better, and ,with time, learn to expand my reach. I am also thinking about maybe doing some videos to be more personal (If I ever get brave enough).

Thank you to everyone who reads this and supports me, I love you all.

Therapy Or No?

I have to admit that before Joseph died I did not have much personal experience with therapy. Nicholas had a therapist but I didn't go into the sessions of course. She would spend a little time with me and Paul after the sessions to ask us how things are going and would sometimes give us suggestions to reinforce the general idea she was working on with him that week.

About two days after Joseph died I asked Paul to take me to the emergency room. I felt like I could not take the pain and, having never really had anxiety problems to that extent, I just felt a total loss of control. It was Easter Sunday so scheduling a regular doctor visit was not an option. Paul explained the situation to the emergency room nurse and they brought me right to the back. The doctor explained to me that I was in shock and that I was traumatized. He gave me a prescription for about five mild anti- anxiety pills and told me to schedule an appointment with my doctor and a therapist. I had no clue what shock was, what trauma felt like, or anything that I was feeling. I did not understand why he told me to see a therapist.

I had major misconceptions of what therapy would be like. I was searching for answers; why do I feel like this, what can I do make it better, and trying to find anyone with a similar experience to help me understand what was happening. I did not find any answers but I anticipated the therapy session and I thought for sure she would tell me what to do. I really thought she would say do this, this, and this in this order and you will be fine. When I sat down with her I explained my situation and then asked "What do I do"? She asked what I meant and I told her what I was looking for. She said there were no right answers on what to do, and that there wasn't really anything I do right now. I was not having that. I said surely you have experience dealing with this, what do other people do? She caught on to what I was hoping for and she wrote a couple of things down on a piece of paper. She explained to me that everyone grieves differently (Oh no, not this again) and that I have to go through my own journey. The list was very short. It was numbered and I think it said something like 1) Remember to take deep breaths every once in a while, 2) Get plenty of rest, 3) Drink sips of water frequently. I was partially satisfied with that but I asked again if there was anything I could do to make sure I was doing the right things. I will never forget what she asked me and I still go back to that  moment when I am having a hard time. She said that my has just changed completely, the life I knew was over, and she asked "Do you want to live or do you want to die"? I said I want to live and she said " then you will deal with the feelings as they come and you will find a way to keep living.

I don't remember what was said after that or in the sessions following that because when you are in shock there is not too much that you remember. She retired shortly after and I was a little disappointed because I felt like I put a lot of effort and time into sharing my feelings and giving her the back story of what happened. I did not want to start over again. She assured me that someone would take her place and the new person would have the notes. I wish I could say I met the therapist I have now after that but it was not the case. The new therapist was pregnant and only stayed for a short while. By this time I was feeling like how could anyone get to know me if I keep telling the same story over and over then switching. I was disappointed again and a little frustrated but I was determined not to give up. It took a while but someone new started (my current therapist) but by this time a couple of months had passed and I was getting used to dealing with it on my own (or so I thought). I went for a few sessions and told the whole story again and I liked her but I was tired when I got home from work and for whatever reason I just stopped going.

Sometime last November I felt terrible all of the time. I knew that Joseph's birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas we all approaching and I just felt a heavy weight all of the time. My life consisted of working, sleeping, repeat. I really did not want it to be grief or depression so I saw my doctor and told her I was tired all of the time. I wanted my hormone levels to be off or have an adrenal gland problem so she did some blood work and mentioned the therapist to me. When I got the call that my bloodwork was fine, I resigned to the fact that I needed external help.

I approached it differently this time. I was open and really looking for help, not answers on what to do. I opened up more and could remember better what she said. I did all of the work that she gave me to do and I showed up every week, I was seeing progress!

I am so grateful I went back when I did because Nicholas died two months later. One of the first things I did was send a message to her business email (it was before office hours) saying that I needed to get in touch with her as soon as possible. She called me shortly after and made time for me that day. I saw her 2-3 times a week for a while. Again, I do not remember most of the first sessions but I do remember the first day crying, using her desk to lean on while I sat, and telling her I couldn't breathe and I felt like I was going to die. She told me to sit back and take deep breaths and I didn't die. I see her once a week now and I really appreciate what our sessions have evolved into. She knows me pretty well now and knows the way I think so she can sometimes preface in a way I can relate to before she suggests something I would usually resist. She also knows me well enough that we can laugh together at some of the things I think or say. Therapy helps me so much but not in the ways I thought.

There is no quick fix or definitive answers but it is a way to get feelings out. Some of the feelings of grief are very confusing so asking why after I state something is a good way to make me think and dig deeper into myself. It is a safe place to share whatever you are feeling even if you have to tell the same story over and over. I am learning to acknowledge what I am feeling and let myself feel it. I have also learned that while grieving it is important to not be hard on yourself. That was a big change for me because I kind of felt the opposite, that I had to be very diligent so I wouldn't fall into harming habits or behaviors.

Whether therapy is a good choice for everyone I have no idea but it has helped me immensely. Like most things, it is the individual that has to put the work in to get results but they are excellent guides.

When Is It Time To Go Back To Work?

When Joseph died (almost two years ago) I took  two weeks off from work. It was mostly for financial reasons but I also didn't understand what it was that I would go through. I had a really hard time at first. It was awkward walking into work and feeling that everyone was uncomfortable. They did not know what to say or how to act and I didn't either so it was uncomfortable for me as well. Along with that I got the call that Joseph died while I was delivering mail and I was dreading driving past the place that I had to pull over and sit. For a while I cried when I got close to it, I would listen to music to not try to think about it, or I would purposely not look that way as I was driving by. What I didn't understand was that going back meant  getting back into life and that meant putting on a brave face and focus on other things. Looking back I can see that I did not give myself enough time or I didn't use my two weeks for grieving. I felt numb most of the time because it became too exhausting to feel. After a short time I felt like it was too much to fit therapy into my schedule so I stopped going. I was hard on myself and got very frustrated that I wasn't moving along in the grief process. My doctor confirmed what I was feeling about a month ago when she said it seems like I am grieving the loss of both Joseph and Nicholas now.

Today, after two months, was my first day back at work. Paul suggested that I stop in about a week before so I could see everyone then go home and deal with my feelings before having to go through that and stay the whole day. I am very grateful for that advice because it helped a lot. I did get emotional seeing everyone as they were to see me.

 To say I was apprehensive today would be a grand understatement. I was scared to death! The anxiety that comes along with the trauma from a suicide makes doing anything very scary. But, as I have learned to do, I pushed myself and went in. Things were way different this time. I said hello and hugged everyone but there were no tears, no awkwardness. The funny thing about loss is that you learn a true appreciation for the people in your life. It felt really good to see them, to listen to their stories about their lives and laugh with them, just to be a normal person again.

I knew better what to do this time and I gave myself more time to do it. I knew I would struggle financially a little but i knew it would be worth it. I went to therapy several times a week at first and I allowed myself time to really let my feelings out. Therapy, support groups, journaling, yoga.... I listened to my mind and body and gave myself what I needed. I was ready today. I was ready to see my friends, feel productive, and be active.

I didn't even realize when I passed the place where I got the call about Joseph because I was thinking about what I would write today and when I would fit therapy in (which I will continue this time).

I suppose there is no right answer of when to go back to work because it depends on how you spend the time off that you have. I would recommend as long as you possibly can and to use that time to really explore all of your feelings and be very gentle with yourself.
Don't get me wrong while I was working I wished I was at home taking a nap but I think I am ready this time.

Self Blame Delays Healing

I would imagine that anyone who has ever known someone who has died by suicide has blamed themselves in some way. "What if i would have _____?" "Why didn't I____?" The list could go on forever. I must admit I am guilty of doing this. I did it when Joseph died and even more when Nicholas did. After Joseph's death I did so much research on suicide and grieving. My research extended to how to help siblings understand and cope. Nicholas and I talked about Joseph's death, the things he may feel, what is normal and when to tell someone. I made sure he understood that nothing was off-limits when it came to us communicating about his feelings. One day in the car he said he was worried about me. I asked why and he told me I was just a little more quiet than usual and I seemed sad. I explained that I was sad, that I have good days and bad days and that is totally normal. He  still looked worried and I knew the conversation wasn't finished. I told him I would be fine. He said he didn't want me to do what Joseph did. That just broke my heart, but as a survivor of suicide myself I thought the same exact thing about him. To make us both feel better I said "Let's make a pact: Let's promise each other that we will never ever kill ourselves, that we will tell the other person if we are feeling that way and we will help each other." He said OK and smiled then went on to talk about his usual topics. After he died I felt like a complete failure! How is it possible that I could have read and learned so much about suicide and it signs and not see this? I must have missed the signs, I must have done something wrong, I must have messed up DNA, etc..
I find myself in this strange position because I was already in therapy and already grieving the loss of Joseph when Nicholas died and my logical mind has learned blaming myself and asking why will not help. There will be no answer to my questions so it is futile to dwell on it but I found myself right back there again.

It wasn't until about two weeks ago one of Nick's friends messaged me to see how I was doing and I asked her the same. She told me she was very depressed and she felt like it was her fault that Nicholas died. My maternal instinct kicked in and I said "Why in the world would you think that!?!?" It upset me so much, I just wanted to hug her. She told me that they had an argument a week before and if she would have reached out to him this would not have happened. I talked to her for while explaining that it was not her fault and reminding her of all the joy she brought to Nicholas. We said good-night and I laid in bed and thought about it, feeling so bad for her. Then it hit me; Me blaming myself, is like her blaming herself and since that night the self blame has stopped.

Self blame and all of the whys halts healing. It is fine to ask yourself all of these questions and after a while you will see that there is no answer. Even if you had an answer would it make the pain less? Letting go of blaming of yourself will free you to move to another step. It is hard for us as humans to accept the tiny amount of control we have. We are comfortable feeling like we have control, it makes us feel safe. A suicide makes us realize we do not have as much control as we thought and that is scary.  A better question I started to ask myself is "What can I do to help myself heal?"

Much Love

Self Love - The Best Gift You Can Give Yourself

When we think of self love what comes to mind is facials, massages, shopping, or maybe a new hairstyle. Those are all nice  but there is so much more to it then that.

1) I will start with boundaries - It's a touchy subject for most but also something most of us deal with. You have to draw the line with how much you can give to someone. I'm sure we all know a person who will take and take, who always has problems they want to vent to you about, their viewpoints are usually negative, and they just kind of drain your life force. If you manage to get a sentence in, it will get turned around to being about them or how they have a worse problem than  that. Maybe there is a person who always asks things of you; money, babysitting, rides to places, etc.. I don't know but you get what I am saying. It is OK to separate yourself from that while grieving. Each circumstance is different. If this is a "friend" you can choose to just distance yourself, if it is a family member first try talking to them and explaining how you you feel. If that doesn't work visit less and don't stay as long. Some of these things are really hard at first but once done, will make a world of difference. You have to care enough about yourself to make sure your energy isn't being spent on everyone else with nothing left to give yourself.

2) A good support system- This one takes a while. It's a lot of hit and miss but once you have it you wont be able to help loving yourself because you will have people around you giving you love which makes you want to give it back and everyone is happy. It you want to be fabulous like Beyonce, think of this as your entourage. I'll share mine, don't laugh and don't judge! :)
First Paul, the love of my life. We definitely do not have a perfect relationship but he is right there for me for anything I need. He lets me bury my head in his lap and cry and cries with me. He fed me when I felt like I could not even lift a spoon, and he puts up with me which is no easy feat! My mom and grandmother. Two fiercely strong but loving women who taught me resiliency, to never give up, and to always look for peace in my life. I have my dad who, how he refers to himself, knows everything about everything. His calm Buddhist simple explanations about life teach me not to overthink. Of course my brothers and cousins and all of my family who love me so much. My Primary Doctor, her nurse (who lost her fiance' to suicide so she always spends a little extra time with me swapping progress), My therapist (have I mentioned I love her?), My Psychiatrist; every time I see him I tell him I think that  I am crazy and he always has a sweet, calm way of making me laugh and feel better, I have a group of friends, we are called pearl girls. I thought it had something to do with tampons but apparently its a necklace or something. Anyway, four of us are in a group text. We have been friends for about 15 years. We always make plans and never follow through but I will tell you what; If I needed ANYTHING at ANYTIME anyone of them would be right there and they know I would do the same for them. Mostly we annoy each other in the group text but just knowing they are there makes me feel so lucky. I have a friend in California that feels like my sister even though we haven't known each other very long. She's so peaceful and earthy and sees beauty in all things. She's like mother earth. I can tell her I don't feel good, I feel like I have a big boulder in my stomach and she does amazing things and I feel better.  My newest friend is a psychic medium. She has a very positive outlook on life and just exudes love. We exchange positive messages to each other and without words or her even knowing, she teaches me a lot about not being so fearful. I am so so so lucky to love the people I work with. We get aggravated and fight with each other like family because that is how we see each other, sort of like of sisters.
Whew, long list! Of course yours doesn't have to look like this but positive, supportive people who lift you up and give you love are imperative. The funny thing is a lot of these people tell me "I wish I could do more", or "I wish I knew the right things to say". They have no idea they are part of my survival right now, and that's what called love and selflessness.

3) Becoming mindful- I spoke a little bit about this yesterday. I am aware of what my body is telling me and I listen to my feelings and emotions. People who do this are more likely to know what they need and how to take care of themselves as opposed to letting other people tell them what they need.

4) Forgive yourself - No one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. If you learn from the mistakes you are winning. We tend to be our harshest critics. The past is gone and none of it can be changed, the only thing you can worry about is how you are living now.
    4-B) Forgive others - Holding on to past anger and hurt is so toxic for us. It does no good at all. I like to say this about holding on to anger at someone "It's like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die". Just let it go, forgive them. You do not have to tell them just say it to your self; I forgive you for ______. This will change your life.

5) Accept who you are- Loving yourself starts with knowing and accepting who the true you is. We all wear masks for the different roles we play in life but knowing who you truly are will show you your uniqueness, and being unique is beautiful!

There are many more but even doing a couple of these will help you with grieving because you will shift some of the focus to yourself and what you need. This is a journey you have to go through alone. Being loving and gentle with yourself will make it a little bit easier.

I tried to leave out these but I can't help it! Treat yourself sometimes. Buy some bath bombs from Lush and have a nice long soak while listening to music, binge watch a show with a glass of wine, get a new hairstyle or even better a new purse!! You deserve it.

Much Love

Not All Days Are Good

For the past two weeks or so I have been upbeat, motivated, and full of energy. Today is not one of those days. As soon as I opened my eyes I knew it, I'm very familiar with it and I don't like it. It's when I'm most susceptible to negative thinking. I wish I had nothing to do but I had an appointment with my therapist. I threw clothes on, put my hair in a bun, and sans shower I left the house. We spoke about this blog and my Face book page. I told her I didn't know what to say today because I wasn't feeling positive and she reminded me that suicide and grief isn't positive and it wouldn't be real if I always portrayed myself in a positive way. She's right and I love her.
These days are real and they come out of nowhere. There were no triggers, nothing bad happened I just miss my sons and I'm sad. I want to hug then and talk to them. I don't want to be a bereaved parent, I want to be a parent. I cried earlier and I will cry again. This is normal and I know how to fix it. It was going to be my topic for today (saved for tomorrow now), it's self-love.

I have other things to do but today I am going to put myself first.  I'm going to rest and feel what my body needs. I will take a bath and put my hoodie footie sleep shirt on (Thanks Paul!)

 (Then the hard part but still self-love)...I'm going to let my feelings come out. Sadness, anger, or guilt whatever they may be today, I will acknowledge it, let myself feel it then let it go.
I have come to learn that all of these feelings are normal but it's how you treat them that's important. I used to try to ignore the anger it's just not who I am, and the thing about suicide is who is the anger directed at? If someone is murdered then you have the accused to be angry with. If someone dies from an undiagnosed illness or what is seen as not proper hospital care then the anger goes to a doctor or medical staff. When someone takes their own life it creates a strong conflict. I don't want to be angry with my sons, I love them and miss them but I'm mad which causes me to feel guilty for being angry with them.

I have come to understand to let myself feel the anger but try to act it out in a healthy way. Holding it in is self-destructive and directing it toward anyone just creates another conflict because in the end it is no ones fault. There is no one to blame. I find writing in my journal effective for this. At first I didn't think it would help but when I'm angry I just start writing. No thinking ,no corrections just writing. Sometimes it's pages long and most of the time I don't even read it but, as I'm writing my anger almost always shows it's true face, sadness so I let myself feel sad. I think of them and say to myself how much I love them. Sometimes I look at pictures, sometimes I can't.
That pretty much exhausts me emotionally and I take a nap but I take a moment to be proud of myself for not pushing my feelings back or holding them in. Each time we go through this it's a small step but over time it happens less and less and after a while the hurt isn't so overpowering.

When you are having a bad day please take the time to listen to your body, quiet your mind and let yourself feel. Take care of yourself as you would a best friend and you will get through it.

There are so many different ways to show yourself love, I can't wait to share some of my favorite ones tomorrow!

Much love

Self Care - Do I Dare?

Self care is one of the biggest things that gets ignored while grieving but at the same time it is so important. In the days, weeks, even months after a death caring for yourself gets put on the back burner frankly because you probably just don't care. In the beginning when your are in shock your body is kind of shut down so you don't get the hints as you usually would for hunger, thirst, or rest. I felt like I didn't even care if I died from dehydration but you will care later so try hard to take the smallest steps.

Set a timer if you have to and take a sip of water. Crying can be very dehydrating and also very exhausting. The first few days are filled with hustle and bustle, take time to rest. People will come to visit and there will be things to do but you must prioritize. Allow your family to show love and support them excuse yourself for a nap. Don't feel like you have to be a host/hostess and don't feel guilty for it.
Eating is another big thing. I had no appetite at all. Not only that,I felt like I couldn't swallow and I felt nauseated but you have to eat something, anything. A cracker, some broth just anything because not eating will make you feel worse.

As time goes on you feel a little better but the exhaustion stays because grieving is exhausting!!

With the havoc that is being wreaked on your body your immune system will be in terrible shape. It's good to try to take a multivitamin. After Nicholas died I got a bad cold. I thought I don't care if I die from a cold. But again you have push through, you have to fight for yourself so I went for a Doctor visit and I was glad after I did. While I was there she told me I needed to have a mammogram done and my first thought was, you guessed it, I don't care if I have cancer but I do care and today I had it done and I'm glad I did.

When you feel like you have lost everything and your heart is broken nothing seems to matter. It's so hard to see living without your child but you have to fight and fight hard! Go against what you don't care about in the moment. It's your mentality that will shape the rest of your life. Your tiny battles will build you up and you will get stronger. If you say "I have a cold and I don't care if I die" then you stay in bed, feeling horrible, most likely getting more and more depressed and that's the cycle you stay in. Break the cycle, do the hard thing, and be proud of yourself!!

It's a process, a long, crappy, tiring process. But as I've said before the grief you feel for your child isn't going to go away because the love doesn't go away and missing them doesn't go away. You learn over time how to work with it and live with it. I've gone from not caring if I die from hydration two months ago to making sure I drink the proper amount of water every day and I'm proud of that.

Much Love

Conquering A Fear - So Empowering!

It took me all of yesterday and a little of today but I finally created a Face book page!

https://www.facebook.com/survivingasuicideloss

Speaking of fear, it is a great place to start. Suicide of a loved one brings fear to just about everything. The fear is caused by anxiety and the anxiety is caused by experiencing a trauma. It is normal  it is supposed to happen, it is your mind protecting itself. It is normal but it is not a good way to live as it will paralyze you and could ruin every aspect of your life. The thing is, you have to change it. It will not be easy and it will take time but it is possible.

I will use one of my early fears as an example: After Joseph's death I was afraid to take a shower when no one was home. What?! Why!?!? Who knows I have no idea, I thought I was going to die if I took a shower when I was alone (truth). One particular day I felt super gross, so I decided to go for it. I am still here I did not die in the shower that day or any day since then. Baby steps, baby steps, baby steps!!!!

I still fear a lot of things but now i just think "I did A, B, and C and I am OK so I will try this now". Start small. On the first day get out of bed, on the second open the front door and just step outside, etc... Little by little you will gain the strength and confidence you will need to get through some very tough times.

My small victory today has made me forget the heaviness I felt in my heart when I woke up this morning. It will come back of course but the reprieve helps you to keep pushing forward.

As always, feedback, advice, and ideas are welcome.

Much Love

How Will I Be Received? Still Nervous

I have a wealth of information to share. I'm still working out how I will do it without being random and nonsensical but I wanted to share this process, as scary as it is, from the very beginning. In the very least I'll be able to give props to myself for trying, in the best case I will inspire or help at least one person.
My perspective will be different than some. I know this because I have done a lot of research. I'm going to talk about positive ways to live with grief. Notice the "live with".  This is not a do it and get it over with situation. You have to get in it, live with it, learn it, and know how to work with it. It becomes a part of you.
Don't get me wrong, I have messy horror stories to this very day. I have stayed in bed for days at a time. I have laid on the floor in a fetal position begging to die, my husband has had to walk me to the shower, get in with me, and literally wash me, sometimes in a whole day I eat one bite of a protein bar and a sip of water that came from a piece of ice the day before. I could go on but you get the picture. I've also felt shame about doing anything except for the above. How could I dare laugh when my child has died? The list for those is just as long with the most recent being so scared of eating at a restaurant for the fear of someone seeing and judging me.
But I went to the restaurant, and when something was funny I laughed.
I guess my point is there is a stigma attached to grieving and there is most definitely trauma associated with suicide. You have to deal with it and I will share all of the things I do, all of the things I have tried, and all of the things I will do as I move forward on this journey.
Also, at some point I will share my story of loss. The despair I felt the pain I feel, I want to share all of it so please keep reading. Grow and blossom with me. Teach me things and learn from me.

My big goal for today is creating a Facebook page to be associated with this in hopes of having a wider reach, stay tuned!

Much love

First post, feeling nervous

In my first post I would just like to introduce myself and talk a little bit about what I hope to accomplish.

I think I have a pretty unique perspective of dealing with horrendous circumstances in life and I need a life's mission, a reason to go on, to push forward. I want to help other parents who have lost their children to suicide. I want to help anyone who has been through this using the coping skills I have learned. I am new to blogging, new to all of this but I know one thing deep down in my soul, I need to help people.

My name is April I am a 44 year old mail carrier, just living a plain old regular life until April 3, 2015 when I was introduced the monster known as suicide. My 21 year old son Joseph took his own life and it shook me to the core. My very existence was unstable. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know where to turn. I literally asked anyone who spoke to me "What do I do?" No one knew, no one could help me. I was told "Everyone  grieves differently" so many times I wanted to scream!
I voraciously attacked information; books, blogs, forums, support groups, therapists, you name it I did it. It was a lot of hit and miss. Stages of grieving, bleh. It should be called the roller coaster of grieving.
Fast forward to January 12, 2017 when I woke up to my alarm for work and saw a text message that said "Nicholas killed himself." At that point I shattered, I could feel myself break into a million pieces. My 16 year old son, my last remaining child was gone.

I fight for my life now. I have stumbled into the position of being very knowledgeable about grieving and about suicide. I want to share my information in hopes of helping and healing.

I welcome, no encourage, any feedback to get started, writing style, how to make sure the right people see this, etc...

Thank you so much for reading this,
April