Step 1, Check!

The website is finally up! I transferred all of my posts to there along with a brand new one. This is a pretty bare bones site right now but I am able to build it up as it grows. I'm really excited to have this done so check it out and please leave any feedback on the contact page to help me make it better. Thanks everyone!

http://www.lostmychildtosuicide.com/

Patience With Yourself

We have to adjust our lives to fit with our circumstances.

I am typically the type of person who holds myself to high standard, meaning if I want to accomplish a task I never allow myself to say I can't do it because I know with time and determination I can learn.
A few days ago I started a rather large project, creating a website which will be the new home for my blog, hold content for download as I create it, list links to resources, and hopefully build a community for grieving parents to find a safe place to open up about their feelings. I spent the better part of two days researching and comparing all of the different hosting packages. That is way too long to research that! Anyhow, by early afternoon I had the company and a new domain name.

After four hours of working on it I did not even have a font for the title...ugh.. I got so frustrated. I'm used to being able to be sure of such simple decisions with focus, and just fly through tasks such as this. I had to walk outside and take some deep breaths.

Before I got angry with myself I stopped and thought about that I shouldn't compare myself to how I was before. My brain is a little more foggy and I made a promise to myself to not push so hard. I realized I had not stopped to eat, drink, or move from the spot I was in. I thought about why I was putting so much pressure on myself. The answer was I want to create something beautiful, comfortable, and informative to help other people. I know now to do this, I need to help myself as well. I stepped back inside and felt proud of myself for how it looked so far. I decided to stop  for the rest of the day and just relax.

Be patient with the new you. Don't expect to perform the way you did before, instead break things into smaller pieces. It may take a little more time but so what! Recognize the positive in things that you accomplish, even if it's getting out of bed. I am proud that I was productive on my day off and that I just didn't lay in bed all day and that my focus is changing more to doing something that could possibly help someone.

How Your Environment Can Affect You While Grieving

I did an accidental experiment, which is usually how I stumble upon things that work for me.

It all started around three weeks ago. I was trying a few new things (as always) for sleeping better at night. Nighttime can be a very scary thing for me because I usually either;

1) Dream about Joseph or Nicholas and the
     dreams are usually strange and I wake up
     sweating with a pounding chest and can't go
      back to sleep or,

2) I have normal dreams but for the first few
      seconds, in a dream/awake state, I think that
       they are still alive until the truth sets in and
       I feel a wave of dread and sorrow that can
       be hard to shake.

I'm used to sleeping with the television on but I decided to try a guided meditation wearing ear buds. I liked falling asleep to positive messages and most of them include some breathing exercises to slow the heart rate and help with relaxation.
I was enjoying that so I ventured a little deeper into it. I started finding 8 hour guided meditation with hypnosis, I chose those that were about anxiety and depression. Those were great too although I do not know everything that was said because I was falling asleep rather quickly.

Around the same time I started listening to podcasts while I was working because I spend the majority of my day alone and my thoughts can wander to some pretty dark places if I don't pay attention. I tried music but I would get emotional about certain songs and no one wants a crying mail carrier. The podcasts I downloaded were about mindfulness then I came across a certain one that caught my attention, The Sacred Space. This is a spiritual healer from London and most of the topics resonated with me, the ones that didn't I just skipped.

Also, while writing blog posts I was finding the television to be distracting so I started listening to binaural beats for concentration.

So! I have the positive message podcasts, the binaural beats while writing, and the guided meditation at night, which equates to almost no television or regular music. I was feeling really good, so good that I even asked my therapist what was happening. By nature I just have to rule out things before I accept something to be true so I asked "Am I in denial?", "Have I just lost my mind?" She convinced me that I haven't and she doesn't think I'm denying anything and maybe going back to work had something to do with it, so I accepted it but at the time I wasn't sure what was causing my positive, upbeat attitude.

Not knowing that all of these things were helping, I started slipping back into my old patterns. I still listened to podcasts but I changed to one that related to blogging. I started to feel stress because I realized how much I didn't know. I also started falling asleep to the television again.

Well yesterday I was having a really trying day. It was the second anniversary of Joseph's death. (On a side note, I have learned  a few tips for dealing with events such as these like going to the cemetery with flowers the day before so I didn't have to rush through work then drive through traffic in the evening. I knew I had to work so I got in the mindset of getting through the workday then not putting any pressure on myself for the rest of the day.) The day was just a series of little jabs at me. My car wouldn't start in the morning, I dropped a tray of mail at the post office and had to put it back in order, I slipped and fell on a step while delivering a package, I cut my finger and bled on my shorts. Whew! When I finished work and went home I envisioned having a cup of coffee in my favorite chair in my meditation room and just relaxing. I put the cup down on table next to the chair and while adjusting the chair cushion I knocked the cup of coffee over....everywhere... my computer, remote controls, walls, baseboards. Well that was it! I cleaned up the mess then curled up in my chair and went to sleep.

When I woke up I thought a lot about how good I was feeling, so I compared the last few weeks with the past week and realized what was helping me feel good so last night when I went to bed, I listened to a meditation. I downloaded podcasts with positive messages and I have to say, I had a good day today.

If you are feeling down or "stuck", maybe try to change a couple of small things and see if you notice a difference?

Has anyone had similar experiences? If so please leave a comment or send an email, I'd love to hear from you!

Two Years

Two years ago I got the call that would begin the transformation of my life as it is now. Two years of seeing the depths of darkness that no human being should ever have to see. Two years of butterflies, pennies, or feathers that are supposed to be you. One trillion pennies dumped in front of me could never take the place of, as Paul said it, "The two of you light up when you see each other". My firstborn,  first grandchild, oldest cousin, big brother (and hero) to three, my soul partner, and great friend you are terribly missed. I think of you every single day.  You live in my heart and I feel you , subtly around me.
Thank you for coming into my life and teaching me so much. I am honored to be your mother, and not a day goes by that you aren't influencing my life in some way. I treasure our memories and our secrets are locked inside of me. You brought so much joy to the world, I wish you could have felt that in your darkest hours.
My love forever,
Your Mother

Do you ever stop thinking about them or loving them? No. Do you learn to appreciate the most simple moments? Absolutely.

Your Life Will Change

As I sat in my therapists office feeling totally numb on that day in April, 2015 I could barely listen to her because of the images in my mind. That phone call that replayed over and over. That phone call is engrained in my memory forever, I still remember it like it was yesterday.

It was Good Friday and I was delivering mail as always enjoying the scenery and in my own world of thoughts. I was excited about the Easter baskets that we made for all of the kids. I always try to take my time in picking out everything that each one of them likes. 4 Easter baskets all the same but attuned to each of their personalities. Even though Joseph was 21, he still loved partaking in the holiday with the other 3, so yes I had one for him too. Purple if I remember correctly. He always found it so funny that I would give them candy and a toothbrush so I made sure to put one in there for fun. I was in a good mood, planning a barbecue for Easter Sunday. I thought that I had to make sure to call Joseph again to remind him. My ex-husband rang my phone which was not unusual for a Friday, we would discuss the visitation.

I answered and he said "He did it." I had no clue what he was talking about. I said "Who? Did what??" He said "Joseph shot himself". I wasn't processing what he was saying but something inside of me said pull over. The whole time it was normal me communicating with a confused and lost me. I pulled on the side of the road and asked "is he OK?" I was still thinking that nothing is wrong. He said "he's gone." Still nothing registering I asked him what he meant, gone from where? He said he was dead. I hung up the phone and ran out of the mail truck onto a boat dock by the water. I had no idea where I was going but I stopped at the edge and felt this very strong sense of clarity. I felt calm for a moment and thought " my life will never be the same again"

The therapist jolted me back to reality by saying those very same words. "Your life will never be the same again, the old you is gone", dread blanketed me. I knew the old me, I liked the old me but this new me that I am now not so much. I left her office that day feeling that by new life she meant I was going to feel the way I felt at that moment forever. The new me; April with the deceased son, the bereaved parent. I imagined a nervous breakdown and total self destruction.  I accepted that was who I had to be because I didn't know anything different.

This is one of the times that I will absolutely stand by what I say because after a year and a half of soul searching and gathering information (that I didn't use much) I had to repeat this experience all over again. Pay attention to this : Your life will most definitely change there is no questioning that but how it changes is up to you, you hold that strength and power within you. All of the unused information was still stored and I was still working through the grieving process when Nicholas died but! I was experienced with child loss, I could see what it can do, how low it can bring you, how you can slide into a very bad place but yet feel so comfortable there because it's safe.

 I hung on to my old life I held myself to a standard of getting back to what I used to be. I beg you to listen to this. When you on your knees crying and not knowing how you can live your life without your child, you have to change your way of thinking to find the new you.

Now I am in the early stages of grief again but my approach and my attitude are totally different. Think about it; Your Life will never be the same but a different life doesn't mean you have to carry the burden of the death, it doesn't mean self-loathing for what you could have done but didn't, you don't have to feel like you are failure. These are choices we have the power to make. Get into the grief, lean into the feelings.

It's going to be hard at first, I know but your changed life is an opportunity to shed your old skin, throw out all of your lifetime beliefs that do not serve you. Find a new you. I can tell you one thing that happens for sure. You see things through your new eyes. I have a friend who is going through some things, after Joseph died I would think to myself "at least your child isn't dead". This is harmful thinking and it will break you down and put you in spiral of jealousy, resentment, and hating your life. I listen to this friend now and I feel compassion. I cry for her, I feel her pain, I want to help her. There is a big emptiness in your heart, make the choice to fill it with love.

Get out of your comfort zone. I hear people say this and It makes me hurt. "I give it to god". From my experience it seems that these people never move on from that. They stay stuck because they feel like they gave it to god so suffering for the rest of your life is ok. It doesn't have to be this way. I'm not saying don't pray or give up on your beliefs, I'm saying challenge yourself to maybe give some to god and give some to yourself, I promise you by doing the smallest thing you will begin to empower yourself.

I have learned so much about so many things by starting really small with my new self on wobbly shaky legs. I have opened a world that I never knew existed. But I control it now because I have a strong belief in myself that I can. I have bad days, sure, but I know what to do to not make it bad weeks. I now know that I am not only April with two sons that took their own lives, I am April who feels a fierce passion to help other people.

The energy of loss and grieving are very powerful, try to turn that energy into helping yourself.

You will never, ever stop loving your child. You will think about them everyday. You will probably talk to them, and if you do that while thinking "what would they want me to do? What would make them proud?" The answer would be they want you to live. You won't forget about them, you will cry about them but you want that, you want that connection. It never goes away because it is unconditional love.

I was not exaggerating when I said I feel a deep passion to help other people who don't have answers, don't know what to do, or how to feel. I am working on a few things that will hopefully be helpful. I am taking the powerful emotions and energy and letting it fuel me to make a difference and you better believe Joseph and Nicholas are right here with me in my heart. I think they would be proud of the new me that I am becoming.

One Of Those Days

 It was supposed to be a relaxing and productive day off. I was creating a worksheet to go along with a future post, taking a bath, and getting a little bit of cleaning done. I was going through a box of books, that have to be stored in the attic, to find some that I could donate to the library. As i was sifting I came across a photo album.

I thought to myself "don't do it" but I just couldn't help it. I wanted to see all of us, I wanted to see them. I saw pictures of them with their cousins, and their great-grandmother. Carefree and smiling faces in every photo, kids just being kids. My mind drifted to the ever dreading "whys?" and "hows?" How in the world could these two children with loving families, a suburban middle class upbringing, good friends, and everything thing else that goes with a normal life, how could the only solution be to take their own lives?

As always, there was no answer. When I wore myself out thinking, I began browsing the internet for some information, I came across an article that said a popular suicide prevention advocate took her own life.
31 year old Amy Bleuel was the founder of the Project Semicolon,  a  global nonprofit dedicated to those who are struggling with mental illness, suicide, addiction, and self injury.

As stated by Amy from The Mighty in 2015:

 " In literature, an author uses a semicolon to not end a sentence but to continue on. We see it as you are the author and your life is the sentence. You're choosing to keep going."

The questions came right back to me. I've seen people respond to her with great appreciation. I cannot count the times people said she saved their lives. It completely puzzles me how she could not have felt so brave and so proud that she made such a different in peoples lives.

This is just not in my realm of understanding  yet, so I went to back to doing something that I do understand; Writng and sharing in hopes of one day helping someone.

 Please always try to find a good in the bad, and a little glimmer of hope in times of deperation.

Use What Serves You, Leave The Rest

From the moment of your loss, advice will be flying at you from all directions. It will come in many different forms from many different people. I am a voracious researcher, if I can relate to a topic I will learn as much about it as I can. I also try to find out as much as I can from my peers.

My suggestion is to try anything that isn't harmful to yourself and others. Everyone has their own perspectives and beliefs but healing from a loss so great, even living with it, is extremely challenging. No one can tell you what will work, only you will know that and you will only know if you try.
I was resistant to a few things at first that I now find invaluable. I didn't think mindful or deep breathing would help me or writing in a journal. These are two things that are a constant for me now.

I read a lot about spiritual practices and religion and if something resonates with me I dig further and apply it to my situation, if not I move on to something else. The best thing to do is keep trying. It is difficult to see things in a positive way but there has to be a little light of hope.

I was listening to a podcast today and the woman was talking about how we can only feel something as much as we have felt the opposite of it. With horrendous pain can come great joy, with tragic loss can come a deeper appreciation of what you have. It is hard to think about joy I know, but the faintest glimmer of hope can save you at times when you cannot imagine life without your child.

If anyone is interested in a book on the topics of child loss or suicide please reach out to me. Also, I can assist with locating information, or give some ideas. Please be open to learning new things and never give into thinking that nothing can help you.

Information is a very powerful tool. Use what serves you then leave the rest.

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